Handling conflicts

If you're overwhelmed, give yourself a time-out. You might simply say, ‘I need a moment to calm down’. When children see you calm down, they might calm down too. Nothing is quite as powerful for a child as a parent who just stops to think about his own feelings.

Explain a time-out or disciplinary action without attacking your child. If you give a time-out, explain why. You might say, ‘You need a time-out to cool down’. Use a rational tone, otherwise your child might hear only your anger and not think about the consequences of the behaviour.

Don't drag out a fight with too much discussion. If either you or your child is feeling out of control or in a rage, a lot of talking might not help. In fact, it could prolong the conflict.

If you’re not sure what to do or how to discipline your child, take a break. You can always tell your child, ‘I will be back in a minute with my decision’.

Avoid physical power struggles. Using your size and strength only heightens the conflict. You can avert danger and acknowledge your child’s power by saying, ‘Please put that down. You could hurt someone you love’. If your child does actually hit you, try not to hit back in anger. This will just teach your child that it’s OK to hit when you’re frustrated. Instead, try to use this as a ‘teaching moment’. For example, let your child see that you’re upset and say, ‘Ouch, you hit me. That really hurt.’

Try not to take your child's strong feelings personally. Many parents feel frustrated or personally attacked if their child criticises or explodes at them. 'I hate yo' is not actually a personal statement. What your child really might be saying is 'I hate your power'.

Keep breathing and stay relaxed. It's hard not to tense up when your child is getting out of control, but if you stay relaxed, she’s more likely to follow. Sometimes we start holding our breath when things get tense. Instead, inhale, exhale and then talk through your own feelings in a clear and (if necessary) firm way.

Ask yourself, ‘Do I really need to fight about this?’All parents fight with their kids over stupid things. If you can cut down unnecessary fights by 20% and say this isn’t worth a battle, life will be better. However, if you are avoiding 80% of battles, then you are avoiding being an authority.

Learning how to repair the connection and re-build trust after conflicts with your child is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to the relationship. As you learn to repair conflicts well, your child will live in an emotionally safer and more peaceful world. When repair happens after conflict, conflict in the family becomes much less scary and threatening for parent and child and the patterns of quickly reacting with highly charged defensiveness begin to slowly but surely dissipate.

Problem solving can only happen when the connection has been restored. Truly listening and helping your child with their big feelings will allow them to come back to a place of peace with themselves and with you. When the warm connection has been restored between parent and child, talking about what might have worked better or what could work better another time is much easier and more constructive. Follow your child's lead, if thinking about what happened or needs to happen seems too much for them (usually communicated by their defensive reaction), this is a sure sign that they're still operating from highly charged emotions and are not yet ready to operate from their logical thinking. It may mean that more resolution is needed or that you need to let it drop for now, and trust that helping them feel safer and more secure, helping them feel liked, seen, heard, loved and believed in is more important than creating a plan of action for the future right now. One step at a time.