Parenting and brain development

The human brain takes time to develop. By birth, the brain has developed the main functions necessary to life – breathing, keeping your heartbeat steady, sucking, sleeping. The rest of the brain takes years to develop.

 

Knowing more about your child’s developing brain is a good way to understand how children think, feel and behave. Young children have limited ability to think and be reasoned with – they can’t link their feelings, thoughts and behaviour in their early years. The sections of the brain responsible for these areas are not ‘switched on’ in early childhood.

Understanding how children’s brains develop gives us insight into the questions parents often ask….WHY?
Why do they do that?
Why don’t they listen?
Why do I have to say the same thing over and over?

The developing brain 

 

Genes and environment interact at every step of brain development but play very different roles. Genes are largely responsible for the ‘basic wiring plan’ of the brain. Experience is responsible for fine tuning and strengthening connections within the brain. 
 
Our brains are continually changing in response to our lived experience. Children’s brains are more impressionable or ‘plastic’ in the early years. However, the brain remains plastic throughout life, shaping and reshaping, as we continue to adapt to new experiences and learning.

The brain is made up of many parts or regions that all do different things. Neurons are the ‘wires’ that connect the different areas of the brain. The number of connections and how they are organised influences how we make sense of our experiences, understand relationships, remember things and learn. 
 
Different parts of the brain develop at different ages and in a set order. Thus different kids of experiences are important at different ages to strengthen each part of the brain. 
 

You are the active sculptor of your child’s growing brain

 

Young brains are very sensitive to experience. Early experiences and environments have a very strong influence on the development of children’s brains. This is why families help shape the biological structure of children’s brains.  Supportive, caring and consistent relationships between children and their parents are the key to healthy brain development. 
 

Fostering healthy brain development

 

Touching, holding, comforting, rocking, singing and talking to young children provides the necessary stimulation for their growing brains.

• Talk and read to your child from infancy.
  
• Provide lots of opportunities for repetition and practice as your child acquires new skills. This helps to strengthen connections in the brain.
  
• Play with children as much as you can.
  
• Encourage children to do physical activities, like tumbling, riding a bike, playing with a ball, jumping and running.
  
• Support children to be hopeful and optimistic.
  
• Establish consistent routines.
  
• Encourage and praise your child as they experiment with new experiences.
  
• Be realistic about what children can do at different ages. Don’t set them up to fail.
  
• Help your child to take small steps and experience success.
  
• Don’t criticise a child for failing, praise their efforts.
  
• Prepare young children for change.
  
• Allow children to engage in new experiences at their pace, not yours.
  

Words can hurt

The way we talk to and act with children influences how they feel about themselves.

Our behaviour often speaks louder than words. What are you saying to your child? The things we say to children act like a mirror, reflecting back to children ideas about who they are and what they will become.

Hurtful words can last a lifetime. As a parent you may sometimes do or say things to your child that goes against your better judgement. Generally children are strong enough that occasional hurtful or negative comments have no lasting impact. However, the more often we communicate negative messages to children through our words and actions, the more they will come to believe them.

Listening to children

 

• Listening to children tells children they are important.
  
• Spend time with children listening to their point of view.
  
• Sometimes children do not speak because they are not given the opportunity. Try to make sure there is space in your family for everyone to be heard.
  
• Listening means not only hearing the words but working out the feelings behind the words.
  
• Listen to the things that are not said. For many, behaviour speaks louder than words. What is your child trying to tell you?
  
• Be a patient listener. Allow your child time to tell his or her story. Don't jump in before the story is finished. Don't finish children's sentences.
  
• Be an enthusiastic listener. Share in your child's excitement.
  
• Help children to express their thoughts and feelings by helping them to find the words or other ways to communicate with you.
  
  
  

When both parents work

Balancing the often competing demands of work and family when both parents work can be challenging. Careful consideration and planning for your family and children’s needs is important and can alleviate some of the stress associated with a busy work and family life.

Choosing the form of child care for your child whilst you are at work is one of your most important considerations. If you have preschool children, choosing the form of child care to best suit you and your child is crucial. If you have school age children, they may need care before or after school. There are many types of care available, especially for preschool children including extended family, care by others in a home environment and different types of centre based care.


Try to choose the type of care for your child together. Think about who will do the drop off and pick up of your child from child care or school. Talk about who has the most flexibility in their job, who is able to adjust working hours to accommodate the child’s needs. If only one parent is able to do this then what is the other parent able to do to “share the load” of parenting and family tasks.


Caring for sick children can become a huge stress when both parents are working. It is inevitable that children become ill. It is useful to have one or two other adults, perhaps family members, who can be on standby to take over the care of the children when ill.


When both parents work, each parent needs to contribute equally to the care of the children and the running of the house. Both parents need to spend time together as a couple, spend time apart and spend time as a family.


Children need to feel a sense of belonging in the family, and that are loved unconditionally. When both parents work, sharing household tasks is important. Resentment can build up if one parent feels they have the responsibility for all the household chores. Older children can assist in the chores, perhaps the whole family works on the house for several hours on a Saturday morning leaving the rest of the weekend free for family and individual activities.


In a family where both parents work each parent needs “me” time, when the other parent has the responsibility of the care of the children. This allows time to spend on an interest or activity or just have a break.


When both parents are working it can be difficult to find time to be together as a couple. Some parents feel this is another time they have someone else looking after their children instead of being with the children themselves. Parents also need time together to enjoy each other’s company and catch up on adult time and activities.

Children who snore

Many if not most children snore on occasion, and about 10 percent or more snore on most nights.

Snoring is a noise that occurs during sleep when the child is breathing in and there is some blockage of air passing through the back of the mouth. The opening and closing of the air passage causes a vibration of the tissues in the throat. The loudness is affected by how much air is passing through and how fast the throat tissue is vibrating. Children who are three years or older tend to snore during the deeper stages of sleep. Primary snoring is defined as snoring that is not associated with more serious problems such as obstructive sleep apnea syndrome (OSAS), frequent arousals from sleep, or inability of the lungs to breathe in sufficient oxygen. Loud and regular nightly snoring is often abnormal in otherwise healthy children. Sometimes it is a sign of a respiratory infection, a stuffy nose or allergy; other times it may be a symptom of sleep apnea.


About one to three percent of children not only snore, but also suffer from breathing problems during their sleep. When snoring is accompanied by gasps or pauses in breathing, the child may have OSAS. Children’s muscles normally relax during sleep, but they can become so relaxed that the airway is narrowed or obstructed and sufficient air cannot pass through. This interferes with breathing, causing a pause in breathing that can last only a few seconds or as long as a minute. The brain is then alerted and signals the body to make an effort to start breathing again. This effort results in the child gasping or snorting, waking up and starting to breathe again. Because of these repeated arousals to breathe, the child may not get enough quality sleep and is likely to be sleepy or overtired during the day.


Contributing factors to sleep apnea may be obesity, allergies, asthma, GERD (gastroenterological reflux disorder), an abnormality in the physical structure of the face or jaw as well as medical and neurological conditions. In children, the most common physical problem associated with sleep apnea is large tonsils. Young children’s tonsils are quite large in comparison to the throat, peaking at five to seven years of age. Swollen tonsils can block the airway, making it difficult to breathe and could signify apnea.


Undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea may contribute to daytime sleepiness problems including difficulties at school. Following a night of poor sleep, children are also more likely to be hyperactive and have difficulty paying attention. These are also signs of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Apnea may also be associated with delayed growth and cardiovascular problems.


During the night, children with sleep apnea may

• Snore loudly and on a regular basis
• Have pauses, gasps, and snorts and actually stop breathing. The snorts or gasps may waken them and disrupt their sleep.
• Be restless or sleep in abnormal positions with their head in unusual positions.
• Sweat heavily during sleep. 
  
  

During the day, children with sleep apnea may

• Have school and social problems
• Be difficult to wake up
• Have headaches during the day, but especially in the morning
• Be irritable, agitated and aggressive
• Be so sleepy during the day that they actually fall asleep or daydream
• Speak with a nasal voice and breathe regularly through the mouth.
  

If you suspect your child may have symptoms of sleep apnea, talk to your doctor who may refer you to a sleep specialist and/or an overnight sleep study. This study will record the child's sleep, brain waves, body movements, heartbeat, breathing, arousals and noises to determine a diagnosis. Sleep specialists have special training in sleep medicine and can help to determine if your child has primary snoring, sleep apnea or another problem. They can then offer you the most appropriate treatment.

Parenting in a step-family

Step-families are becoming one of the most common types of families. Each step-family is unique and will experience both challenges and rewards. For all new step-families there can be a time of significant change and adjustment as the new family comes together. During this time, the most important consideration should be the children and their relationship with each of their parents.

Children need reassurance from parents and step-parents that they are still very much loved and that it is not their fault their parents have separated. Each parent needs to make sure that they only speak in a positive manner about the other parent. Parents need to spend as much time as possible with their child. Children need reassurance that whether they live with a parent or not, both parents will always be a part of their lives.


Parents not living with their children have an important role to play. Children may share their concerns about their new family with you. They need you to listen and support them through these times. Children need a nurturing, safe and secure relationship with both parents as they begin to form relationships with the new adults and children in their step-family.

Step-parents in a new step-family must think about

• developing a relationship with the new partner’s children
• supporting new step-siblings to develop relationships with each other
• the ways in which their parenting ideas are the same or different and agree on a way of parenting together in this new family. 
  
  

For some children a new step-family may be a difficult transition. A child may

• lose their position in the family
• have to share a bedroom when they are used to having their own
• have to share the parent they had to themselves before the new relationship
• want the original family back
• have moved house, leaving friends, school and other familiarities including the other parent. 
  
  
  

However, there may also be significant advantages for children in a step-family such as:

• their parent is much happier in the new relationship
• there are extra adults to care for them, including new grandparents
• the child has new brothers and sisters
• the opportunity to be part of a family again. 
  
  

There are many ways parents and step-parents can help children through this transition phase

Children show their feelings through their behaviour. When a child’s behaviour changes for the worse, children are saying they are not OK. Pay attention to what your child is telling you through their words and behaviour and take their concerns seriously.

Common behaviours that suggest a child is finding the transition difficult include

• regression of development such as reverting to bed wetting or baby talk
• nightmares and other sleeping difficulties
• problems at school – academic standards dropping and no longer wanting to participate in activities that they were previously interested in
• becoming aggressive or withdrawn.
  
  
  

As parents and step-parents you must

• listen to your child
• try to understand the situation from their point of view
• encourage all the children in the new family to talk about their feelings or troubles
• support relationships but allow them to develop at their own pace
• set up routines in the new family situation that will provide security for all the children
• make time with each child one on one
• remind your child that you love them and will always be there for them.
  

Shaping children's behaviour

Children are not born knowing what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. They learn by watching how you and others around them behave and how they and others are treated. Parents want their children to be caring, thoughtful and well behaved. Ideas about how these goals are achieved vary and change over time?

Adults tend to parent their children in similar ways to the way they were parented. If you want to change your parenting approach you will need time, energy and commitment. Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

Discipline Versus Punishment

Many parents today feel they are not allowed to discipline their children. Every child needs discipline to feel safe and secure whilst learning about themselves and their world. Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. Discipline comes from the Latin word "to teach". Punishment is reactive and focused on penalising unacceptable behaviour. Children rarely learn correct or acceptable behaviour through punishment.

The aim of discipline is to help children take responsibility for their own behaviour through teaching them acceptable ways to respond to situations. As they grow, children become more self-disciplined. They understand how to behave and can control their behaviour themselves. 

Self-discipline develops through adults teaching and nurturing children's confidence. Successful discipline relies on a good relationship between you and your child and builds on your child's wish to please you. Successful discipline involves understanding the rules and what happens when rules are broken.

What about physical punishment?

• Successful discipline can be achieved without the use of physical punishment.
  
• Physical punishment causes pain to stop the behaviour. For example, hitting a child with a hand or object.
  
• Physical punishment does not communicate care or respect to a child.
  
• Physical punishment can undermine a child's sense of love and security. They can often become anxious, fearful or rebellious.
  
• Physical punishment teaches children that violence can be an acceptable way to solve problems.
  
• Hitting a child does not teach acceptable ways to behave. Instead it may result in a repeat of the misbehaviour.
  
• Often children are so upset or angry after being hit, they forget why they are being punished.
  

Children learn by watching you. Speak to children as you would like to be spoken to. Behave as you would like them to behave.

Supporting your child's social development

Children are constantly learning about their world and how to get along with others. A child’s desire to connect with others motivates them to learn and gives the child confidence to try new things. 

 

  Children’s social development is closely related to their emotional development. Children who can control their feelings, such as anger or excitement, are more likely to be able to engage in positive play with other children and negotiate difficulties with others when they arise. Equally, children who understand the feelings of others will be better able to be sensitive to the needs of other children during play.

As a parent, you are the most important connection to your child and between your child and others in their world. Children learn about relationships from the ways you relate to them and others. 

All children go through different phases of social development. Children develop social skills mostly through games and play. How children play changes with age. As they grow, children move from playing alone to playing alongside other children and finally play co-operatively with other children.

Know your child

Children of different ages, backgrounds and personalities experience different challenges in developing social skills. Some children make friends easily and others less so. Some children are shy and others outgoing. Sometimes children have no trouble developing some social skills but do have difficulty with others.

Observe your child in different social situations. Notice how they manage. Do they seem different in different settings? Are they lacking in confidence? Do they need help to join in? What are they doing easily? What, if anything, are they finding more difficult?

Just like learning to walk and talk, a child’s developing social skills require support, practice and repetition.

Ways to help your child

• Create a climate of kindness and generosity at home. Encourage sharing and being considerate of others.
  
• Model the social behaviour you want to encourage in your child. Older siblings can also be helpful role models for younger bothers and sisters.
  
• Ask children for help with daily chores and accept their offers of help.
  
• Encourage a variety of appropriate relationships between your child and others - both adults and children.
  
• Help children to feel positive about themselves. Positive self esteem is critical to healthy social development.
  
• Support children to understand their own feelings and the feelings of others.
  
• Help your child to develop skills in knowing how to join in with a group, take turns and follow rules.
  
• Have reasonable expectations about sharing. Some toys may be more difficult than others for a child to share, for example, a favourite toy. Put these things away when your child is playing with friends.
  
• Provide lots of opportunities for children to play with others.
  
• Ask your child’s preschool or school who your child spends time with and set up play dates with them.
  
• Keep play dates for young children short, simple and fun. Introduce structured activities to the play for very young children. Gradually extend the length of time children play, increase the number of children involved and decrease the amount of structure you put in place as your child gets older and you can see that they have developed the skills to manage in these situations.
  

Helping children cope with stressful events

Families face many stresses these days. For example, long working hours, divorce, illness, unemployment or moving house, all affect both adults and children. 

Whilst a new baby is an exciting time for a family, it can also be a time of significant change for everyone, especially children. These experiences impact on our parenting. Your own feelings at these times may be so strong that you may not notice or feel able to respond to your children's needs.

What is going on for your child?

 

• Your child may feel vulnerable and insecure at times of stress or change.
  
• Do not assume your child understands what is happening. This can be a very confusing and unsettling time.
  
• Children can feel responsible for 'bad' things happening to people they care about.
  
  

Children respond to stress or change in a number of ways:

 

• They may act younger then their age. This is their way of telling you that it is all too much and they need you. 
  
  
• They may be clingy, demanding, or disruptive in an effort to gain attention, care, support and information from you. 
  
  
• They may have disturbed sleep, nightmares or bed wetting. 
  
  
• They may become very withdrawn or easily upset. 
  
  
• They may try very hard to make everything better for the family. 
  
  
• They may find it hard to tell you how they are feeling because they do not want to worry or upset you further. 
  
  

What to do 

 

• Reassure your children constantly that you love them. 
  
  
• Tell your children that what is happening is not their fault. You may need to do this a number of times. 
  
  
• Let them know that even though you may be upset yourself, you are in control. 
  
  
• Be honest and clear with your children about what is happening. 
  
  
• Where possible include your children in decisions that affect them. 
  
  
• Give your children time to talk. If they can't talk to you encourage them to talk to someone they trust. 
  
  
• Let your children know they may experience a range of feelings. Reassure them that it's OK and give them ways to express how they are feeling. 
  
  
• Take time to try and understand how they are feeling and why they are behaving the way they are. Be patient and tolerant. 
  
  
• Try to stick to familiar routines. 
  
  

Make sure there are people around to support both you and your children.

Brothers competitiveness

Moms to all boys will likely agree that their natural competitiveness makes for an interesting home dynamic. But, sometimes, their competitiveness can get out of control. Here are some tips to help.

Just separate them

When worse comes to worse, just separate them. As much as the boys fight, nothing settles them down faster than telling them they have to be apart. Everyone needs some down time to refocus and time alone to learn independence, so a little separation may be just what the sibling rivalry needs.

Celebrate their individuality

Having children of the same sex, it's sometimes hard to differentiate them because it's so easy to group them together, sign them up for the same sports, buy them the same clothing, make them share toys. However, just like it's important to give them personal attention, it's also necessary to celebrate their habits that make them different. One can be really amazing at basketball, while another can read the most books of any child in his grade. Celebrating those individual differences make it so that they don't feel like they have to compete at every single thing.

Tips


Realize that most families have had their share of childhood strife--you are not alone.Do not allow yourself to get drawn into dramas.

Keep your cool. You are no longer a child. One hallmark of adulthood is the ability to
observe yourself dispassionately and not allow your shadow side to take over. 

Keep a sense of humour. 

Relax: didn’t everyone suffer at one point at the hands of a brother, sister or next door childhood friend?
 

What makes child care? Teaching gentleness in a violent world

In a world where violence and cruelty seem to be common and almost acceptable, many parents wonder what they can do to help their children to become kinder and gentler — to develop a sense of caring and compassion for others. Raising children who care isn't a solution to violence by itself, but it's reasonable to worry that being exposed to a lot of violence — whether it's on television or on the streets — could make your children hard and uncaring.

Parents, of course, can't completely control all the things that affect their children's lives. After all, children spend a lot of time out in the "real world," which can often be harsh, uncaring or just plain unhappy. And children have their own personalities and characteristics that parents can't change or control. But there are some things that a parent can do to encourage their children to become caring, fair and responsible.

People sometimes think that children don't really see the outside world — or other people — the way adults do, that they only view the world from their own eyes and in their own way. But is this true?

Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others only came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that children can show signs of empathy and concern from a very early age. They react with concern when they see unhappiness, wanting to help or fix the problem.

The most important thing you as a parent can do is to let your children know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness and responsibility. When you see your child doing something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't want them doing that. Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep your focus on the act, not on the child personally — something along the lines of 'What you did is not very nice' rather than 'You are not very nice.'

This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information — some explanation of why you disapprove — for example, "Look, Joe is crying. He's crying because you took his toy away. That wasn't a very nice thing to do!" or "It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched you. It isn't kind, and I don't want you to do that any more!" It's important to let children know how deeply you feel about their behavior toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too.  Be frank, honest and upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior you do and don't like. Keep your comments short and to the point; the idea is to teach them, not to make them feel guilty.  According to recent study there are two kinds of parental role modeling that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others and kindness to the child.  In other words, our actions speak louder than words.  If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that your children will be, too. Children watch their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave.  Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your children will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning "Do as I say, not as I do" simply does not work, particularly when it comes to teaching about caring.
 
Try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring, so that they have several role models.  If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, concern, and regard for their achievements, you help them understand that all living creatures should be treated with dignity and concern.
 
Parents understandably worry that their effort at home could be undermined by outside influences such as their children's friends, daily violence in their own neighborhoods, television shows and movies, or a culture that exalts "heroes" who are selfish.

Here are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences:

 

• Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Look out for books about ordinary characters who perform acts of caring and concern.  
  
  
• Children tend to imitate behavior they see on television. For this reason, you may want to limit their viewing of violent programs and encourage them to watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping. 
  
  
• Find out about the movies your children want to see. Are they excessively violent? Do they glamorize criminals or people who get ahead at the expense of others? Do they glorify violence to people or animals? You can't shield your children from everything, but a little discussion can go a long way. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other approaches the characters might have taken. 
  
  
• Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials and books. Talk to them and find out who they admire, and why. 
  
  

Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where they can volunteer, and encourage them to join. Many volunteer organizations have special programs for young people and even for children.

Some parents whose children are confronted with the harsher realities in everyday life may wonder whether it's a good idea to let them see even more suffering and distress. Other parents may worry that exposing children to a harder side of life than they've seen before could traumatize the children.  These are understandable concerns, and according to some experts, there are cases where children have become overly sensitive to the suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already emotionally fragile. Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts placing the needs of others above his own, this could be a sign that perhaps he or she is giving too much.

What most inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring that the child receives. That nurturing is itself a perfect role model for children. Experts point out that when children feel they have a secure base at home, they're more likely to venture out and pay attention to others. It's when they feel deprived of love and nurturing that they focus too much on themselves and their own needs. 

Understanding temperament: distractibility

Do you have children who seem to notice and respond to every sight and sound around them, including those that you had not noticed? Do your children have a hard time getting homework or chores done because they seem to lose track of what they are doing? On the other hand, do your children seem to take no notice of things going on around them, including your voice?

The extent to which your children are distractible or perceptive is determined in part by their temperamental makeup. Distractibility is just one of ten innate traits that every child possesses. Being aware of your children’s unique temperament, and how they respond to the world around them, can help you to modify your parenting and your children’s environment so they can feel and be more successful.

What is distractibility?

Distractibility refers to how easily, or not so easily, things going on around your children disrupt their thought processes and attention. Some children are highly distractible, noticing every sight and sound around them. When working on a task, they are often side-tracked and have a difficult time focusing. On the positive side, this trait also refers to children’s perceptiveness. Highly distractible children are keen observers of the world around them.

Alternatively, some children are unaware of their surroundings and do not get distracted easily by sounds and sights. These children tend to be able to maintain their focus much longer when working on tasks.

How can you determine your children’s degree of distractibility?

Use the following questions to help you identify your children’s level of distractibility. Track your answers on the following scale from one to five:

• Do your children usually notice sights and sounds that others do not?
• Do things easily divert them when they set out to do chores?
• When doing homework or reading, do your children have a hard time focusing on the task?
• Do they need many reminders to get things done?
• Do your children have a hard time paying attention when you are speaking to them?
• If your children get upset, can you easily shift their mood?
  

Highly distractible children have a hard time focusing on tasks because their attention is often taken off-track by any sounds, sights, and smells in their environment.

Parenting distractible children takes a lot of patience and tolerance to help them stay on task, especially when it comes to doing chores or homework. It can help to limit any visual and auditory stimulation when children are working by providing a quiet atmosphere. Allow children ample time to complete tasks, knowing they may be side-tracked along the way.

Keep in mind that children may also need many reminders to redirect them to get a job done. You can work with your children to come up with suggestions to help them stay on track. Some children prefer having tasks kept short or having them written down to help them keep in mind what they are supposed to do. Remember that children need your help and guidance to learn to stay on task.

The advantages and disadvantages

One of the plusses of being distractible is that when children are upset, it is easy to change their mood. They can let anger and upset feelings go more quickly. For example, if a store does not have an item they wanted, these children can be quickly redirected to consider a different item.  Because of their keen perceptiveness, they often notice the little things that others do not, so they add a new and fresh perspective on simple things like the sunlight streaming through a window and lighting up a picture.
 
How well or not so well you accept your highly distractible children’s behavior will likely change as your children get older. With younger children, you can use their distractibility to your benefit to divert their attention when they are upset or when they are about to get into something dangerous. This trait becomes less desirable in older children who need to focus more to stay on task and get schoolwork done. However, the good news is that as these highly distractible children mature, they can develop wide-ranging interests and they can be very versatile and flexible.

If, on the other hand, most of your responses to the questions above fall toward the left side of the scale, then you have children who are less distractible. This simply means that your children do not generally notice all the little things going on around them. They are able to remain focused and can concentrate on tasks for long periods of time. This can be a great trait to possess if your children are doing chores, schoolwork or other tasks. These children are also able to function in busy environments because they are not bothered by what is going on around them. For example, in school, they will most likely not be side-tracked by all the stimuli around them (outside noises, other children talking, people walking around the classroom, etc).

Being highly focused and not easily diverted can present problems if the child is so tuned in to what he is doing that he is completely unaware of his environment. For example, they may not hear a parent or a teacher calling their name. In this case, these children are not intentionally disobeying when they do not come when called; they simply did not notice the call. It also may be difficult to persuade highly focused children to stop doing something or to get them to change their mind about something.

Things parents can do

• Understand that distractibility is a part of your children’s in-born temperament.
• Be aware of how much your children react to outside noises, sights and smells.
• Help children who are highly distractible find ways to stay on task and complete chores, such as providing quiet spaces in which to work. When possible, give them extra time to do things.
• Break tasks into smaller pieces and celebrate the completion of these smaller tasks.
• For highly distractible children, make lists or charts of routines to keep them on track.
• Praise children when they are able to focus enough to finish tasks.
• Help children who are unaware of their surroundings to learn to listen for and see what is happening around them.
• Teach them to acknowledge when someone is trying to get their attention.
• When talking to children who are at either end of this continuum, establish eye contact before you speak or place a hand gently on their arm or shoulder. Keep your words short and simple.
• For highly focused children, help them change their focus. Using a timer when they need to move on from what they are doing may help them to let go of something they are involved with.
• Understand that children are not deliberately ignoring or disobeying. Being unaware is a part of their temperament.
• Learn to work together. Understand how your own temperament, including your own degree of distractibility, fits or does not fit with your children’s temperament and create strategies to help each other.
• Identify and value your children’s unique temperament and help them to understand the value of their uniqueness.
• Send messages to your children that help them to feel good about who they are, messages such as:
  

“You know how to really focus and get the job done.”