Some children are outgoing.
Others feel uncomfortable joining a group or being the focus of
attention from people outside the family. The tendency to be shy is
mostly a matter of inborn temperament, not something that parenting
causes or can change. But you can help your child to feel comfortable
being who she is.
A shy child is anxious or inhibited in unfamiliar situations or
when interacting with others. Most children feel shy from time to
time, but the lives of some are severely restricted by their shyness.
A shy child is most likely to be nervously constrained if they
feel they are ‘on show’, such as when meeting someone new or
having to speak in front of others. A shy child is much more
comfortable to watch the action from the sidelines rather than join
in.
Most children feel shy from time to time but the lives of
some are severely curtailed by their shyness. Children who suffer
from extreme shyness may grow out of it as they mature or they may
grow up to be shy adults. Parents can help their children to overcome
mild shyness. In severe cases, professional help may be advisable.
How
to tell if shyness is a problem
There is a wide range of shyness that is normal. A
slow-to-warm-up child is usually able to get over an initial tendency
to hang back. Once that’s done, the child joins in joyfully. An
overly shy child, on the other hand, avoids many social situations
completely and misses out.
Normal shyness does not prevent a child from going to school,
going to birthday parties, or playing in the park. But a thoughtful
adult (often a parent or teacher) might need to take some time to
help the child feel comfortable in the beginning.
Shyness becomes a problem when
it blocks a child’s ability to move ahead developmentally – to
make relationships with people outside the immediate family,
including peers, teachers and other adults.
Shy
behaviours
Here are some shy behaviours that might concern you.
Your child clings to your legs
when there are unknown adults around. After a few minutes of not
being pressured, a normally shy child is able to start moving away
or playing. I like the term ‘slow to warm up’ to describe this
sort of behaviour.
At the park, your child stands off
on the side as other children play with each other. Afterward, she
might say that she had fun, even though all she did was watch.
Parents need to feel comfortable letting their children take their
time to warm up.
Your child doesn’t want to be
dropped off at school or at the sitter’s house. You might need to
stay for several minutes while he becomes comfortable and involved
in play. Then, it’s best to simply say goodbye without much fuss.
This communicates confidence in your child’s ability to handle the
situation. It shouldn’t take longer than a week for a child to
become comfortable, although you might have to repeat the process
for each new situation. Over time, you can remind your child, ‘I
know you always feel uneasy at first, but then you’re always OK’.
Your child refuses to speak
outside the home. This problem tends to get worse over time. It is
probably important to work with a professional in situations such as
this.
Your child refuses to ‘perform’
for strangers, as in, ‘Say your alphabet for the nice doctor,
Sam’. This behaviour is very common in preschool children. Some
completely healthy children might never feel comfortable ‘on
stage’. The best approach is to lower the pressure as much as
possible.
Your child chooses to play by
himself much of the time. This is normal for many children, as long
as they have at least one or two friends (for a child aged four or
older).
- Sometimes shyness goes along with other fears – fears of
animals, for example, or the dark. Pay attention to your own
feelings.
Sometimes what concerns parents the most about their children are
issues that were in fact hard for the parents when they were growing
up. If you remember being painfully shy as a child, you might find
your child’s shyness hard to bear. On the other hand, if you have
always been very outgoing, you might find your child’s shy
behaviour especially puzzling.
By paying attention to your own feelings, you will be able to
focus more clearly on how your child’s shyness is affecting her.
Complications
of shyness
Constant and severe shyness can reduce the quality of a
child’s life in many ways, including:
Reduced opportunities to develop
or practise social skills
Fewer friends
Reduced participation in fun and
rewarding activities that require interaction with others, such as
sport, dance, drama or music
Increased feelings of loneliness
and reduced self-esteem
Reduced ability to reach full
potential because of their fear of being judged
High anxiety levels
- Embarrassing physical effects such as blushing, stammering
and trembling.
Possible
causes of shyness
Some of the possible causes of shyness, often working in
combination, may include:
Genetics – aspects of
personality can be decided, at least in part, by the individual’s
inherited genetic makeup.
Personality – emotionally
sensitive and easily intimidated babies are more likely to grow up
to be shy children.
Learned behaviour –
children learn by imitating their most influential role models:
their parents. Shy parents may ‘teach’ shyness to their children
by example.
Family relationships –
children who don’t feel securely attached to their parents or who
have experienced inconsistent care-giving, may be anxious and prone
to shy behaviour. Overprotective parents may teach their children to
be inhibited and afraid, especially of new situations.
Lack of social interaction
– children who have been isolated from others for the first few
years of their lives may not have the social skills that enable easy
interaction with unfamiliar people.
Harsh criticism –
children who are teased or bullied by significant people in their
lives (parents, siblings and other close family members or friends)
may tend towards shyness.
- Fear of failure – children who have been pushed too
many times beyond their capabilities (and then made to feel bad when
they didn’t ‘measure up’) may have a fear of failure that
presents itself as shyness.
The less confident a child feels, the more likely they are to
behave in a shy way.
Parental
attitudes are crucial
Parents are very influential in their children’s lives –
probably much more than parents realise. Suggestions include:
Be careful not to label your child
as ‘shy’. Children (and adults) tend to live up to the labels
others give them.
Don’t let other people label
your child as shy either.
Never criticise or mock your child
when they are shy. Be supportive, empathic and understanding.
Encourage your child to talk about
the reasons for their shyness – what are they afraid of?
Tell your child about times in
your life when you have been shy and how you overcame it. Since
young children often see their parents as perfect, admitting to your
own shyness can make your child feel better and reduce their overall
anxiety.
- Be outgoing yourself. Model confident behaviour and lead by
example.
Strategies
for the parent
It is possible for the parent to encourage their child to be
more outgoing. Strategies depend on the individual child and
circumstances but can include:
Share personal coping strategies
you’ve learned over the years on overcoming shyness. Practice
these strategies with your child.
Tell your child about the many
advantages of not being shy. Offer examples from your own life.
Encourage outgoing behaviour.
Praise your child when they handle an unfamiliar situation or meet a
new person without resorting to shyness.
Try goal-setting with your child.
Aim for small, incremental steps and praise them for their progress.
For example, saying ‘hello’ to another child may be a big first
step.
Deliberately take your child into
new situations. Aim for small changes in behaviour first and
gradually build up. For example, reward a child if they greet
someone who is new to them. Be supportive.
- Make sure your child is allowed to excel in what they do
best. Praise them for skills they have mastered.
- It’s important to consider how you talk about your
child when she displays ‘shy’ behaviours. If you say,
‘Oh, Ann’s just shy’, this gives her a label. It doesn’t
give her the option of being different. Try saying instead, ‘Ann
will come and talk or play when she’s comfortable’. This sends
the message that your child has some control, and give her an idea
about how to cope.
What helps children the
most is to know that their parents accept them as they are and have
confidence that they will be fine. You can also help by giving your
child extra time and support.
The
biology of shyness
A large part of a child’s personality is inborn. More and more,
scientists are discovering how differences in the brain result in
differences in how children respond to the world. Shyness is one of
those personality traits that has been studied the most.
The tendency to be shy arises, in part, from the part of the brain
that controls how we respond to things that are new or unfamiliar.
Most sensitive children grow up healthy and well-adjusted
. Some even learn to be outgoing, although I suspect
that some element of their earlier sensitive nature remains with
them. The key to these good outcomes is parents who understand and
accept their child’s individual differences, and who support the
child in coping with new people and situations at the child’s own
pace.
The professional help
If your child’s shyness is especially
debilitating, you may like to consider professional help from a
counsellor or psychologist. Treatment options include:
Stress management
Relaxation strategies
Counselling sessions
- Social skills training.
