All couples argue at one time or another – occasional disagreements are part of even the healthiest relationships. After all, we can't all always agree. But new research shows that children who constantly see their parents bicker may be more apt to have problems in school.
In a study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, researchers found: children who were worried about their parents' regular conflicts tended to have more difficulties in school, often because they had trouble paying attention.
The likely reason, say the researchers: If parents argue all the time, children may not feel like their home environment is secure – they may worry about divorce, whether their family will stay intact, and what will happen to them. All of that stress and emotional turmoil can add up, which may make them focus more on the disputes at home rather than on what's going on in school.
When tensions are often high and parental arguments get heated, it can contribute to other psychological problems, too – the researchers point to other studies showing that when parents never seem to get along kids tend to be at increased risk for things like:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Aggression
- Trouble interacting with their peers
Again, nearly every couple will have at least an occasional conflict, especially when you throw children into the equation. But when you regularly fight in front of your youngsters, it affects more than just you and your significant other. Establishing a good code of conduct can help make your disputes more productive and teach your children how to resolve conflicts respectfully in and out of the home.
Whether your tiffs are frequent or few and far between, it's important to sit down as a couple and establish some ground rules when it comes to arguing. To make your disagreements constructive and not destructive, keep these basics in mind:
- Stay calm.
- Choose your words.
- Express yourself clearly and appropriately.
- Model apologising and forgiving (when children see their
parents fight, they should also see them make up – and not days
later).
Of course, there are some don'ts to remember when tempers flare, whether the children are home or the two of you are alone:
- No hitting, pushing, or threatening.
- No name-calling.
- No making broad generalisations, like "This always happens" or "You never help me."
- No leaving unless you both agree to take a break or a
"time-out" from the conversation.
If your children are around and watching (or hearing) you argue, it's also wise to add these other no-no's to your fighting rule book:
- No yelling.
- No cursing.
- Do not involve your children in your disagreements or expect
them to take sides.
Children need to understand that everyone gets upset sometimes and that it's important for people in a family to be able to tell each other how they feel and what they think – even when they disagree. Children who know how to channel their frustration and anger with someone into something positive can learn worthy lessons about life – compromising and negotiating, valuing another person's perspective, and keeping tempers in check.
Still, children often do worry when their parents argue. Frequent fighting can make children of all ages feel scared, sad, unprotected, or even guilty if they think they caused all the commotion (children need to know that it's never their fault).
Make sure your children understand that even if you fight, you still love each other – that fighting doesn't mean you're going to stay angry for long or that you're going to get a divorce. However, if you find that you and your partner are arguing a lot, it's wise to seek help – for your sake and for your children.
How parents react to conflicts often lays the foundation for how children deal with others – from friends and siblings now, to bosses and their own families later. If you regularly scream and argue as little eyes look on and little ears listen, chances are your children will learn to do the same.
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