Children with focusing concerns happen to share a big time problem with their parents - high levels of frustration. While most children hope to succeed in classes at school or when relating with peers, the academic and social realms are not easy for kids with focusing problems. In fact, school and friends become fronts for losing battles for many distracted children.
As frustrating as life is for the distractible child, it can be even more challenging for their parents and teachers. Sadly, some parents react harshly to a distracted child. That child usually becomes even more distractible. Talk about a destructive cycle of distractibility! To help these children, it is crucial that parents learn to understand and manage their own frustrations as well as those of their distracted child. Distractibility problems in children can have more than one cause and the most common reasons are listed below.
What causes distractibility in children?
Distractibility in children can be the result of one or any combination of several sources, including:
Anxiety
Depression
Major life changes (e.g., divorce, relocation)
High levels of day to day stress
Learning disabilities
Despite the cause of the distractibility, the end result is that
distracted children end up with low self-esteem.
Parents and teachers have a right to feel frustrated when managing distracted children. At the same time, telling a distracted child that if s/he cannot pay attention s/he may fail or be expelled from school, however, almost never helps the child improve. Worse, this is more likely to create feelings of inadequacy and shame. A strategy more likely to succeed would be to explain that you are proud of how hard your child has worked to achieve success, even though he has been challenged with distractibility. How can we further bolster a distracted child's ability to cope inside and outside the home with frustration and the feelings of anger, despair or self-doubt that often accompany their focusing problems? Some further strategies are below.
Remember that the distraction prone child is struggling with feelings of inadequacy. It is of utmost importance that parents are empathetic with their frustrated children. These children need extra doses of understanding and encouragement to stay motivated.
Avoid yelling. Yelling is really just an adult temper tantrum that only clouds your child's mind, making him more distractible. Keeping your cool, stating clear expectations, and trying not to command these children is the formula for success.
Remember that your child is not being bad when he or she is frustrated. The true reason for the possible tears is that she is struggling with a task that is beyond her resources at the moment. Stay tuned into the frustration and remember what it is that makes your child find homework hard to do. This is much more productive and healthy than just viewing your child as "lazy." Keep asking questions to determine, for example, whether your son is frustrated because he doesn't understand the parts of the sentence. Try to discern how much your child learned the material in school and what is it about this problem that's too hard. Once you identify that there's a problem area or skill deficit, you can work on that or involve the teacher to help re-teach the material.
Focus on the first signs of a meltdown and intervene early in the sequence of events. Does your daughter fidget, stare into space or seem reluctant to begin the work in the first place? Pay attention to those moments before you just mutter, "Oh no, here we go again..."
This strategy is usually overlooked and underused. Distracted children will feel more motivated by small successes versus big failures. Your child might need a break, or some help turning a big project into a series of small jobs. Children may need an adult to supply the structure. For example, saying "Yes, this problem is a tough one, but let's see what we can do. Let's do one question together, then you try the second and I'll be right here if you need me." Modelling calm attention to a task often has a calming impact on kids.
Help your child get into the habit of keeping a to-do list. It's very reinforcing to be able to cross tasks off a list.
If your son is frustrated at not being able to get a hit on the baseball field, remind your child of the time he learned to do a new trick on the skateboard and ask, "What worked for you then? You're reminding him of a time when he did do well and encouraging him to use the same strategies in this new situation."
Rewards down the road don't work so well for easily frustrated kids. Something more immediate needs to happen. A colourful new sticker when she completes a math problem might encourage your young daughter to go on to the next. Avoid making the outcome or incentive too big or long-term. Saying in October, "You can get a new bike this summer if you get your homework done more often," is a reward that is too distant in the future.
Distracted children tend to shut down quickly when they encounter obstacles. The great news, however, is that you can help your child resist sinking and keep on swimming if you stay active and involved.
Doing too much to help your child to finish a difficult assignment
may feel good to her, but it's not good for her. Remember that
distracted children are often surrounded with negativity and begin to
expect failure. Amidst their considerable challenges, it is easy for
distracted children to feel that they are often in trouble and
inferior to their peers. Let your child know that in addition to
loving him that you believe in him.
As much as you may hope your distracted child will outgrow her distractibility down the road, it is far from certain. For some children, the symptoms get better as they grow older and learn to adjust. Others, because of their genetics, may demonstrate continued tendencies toward distraction. Just keep in mind that the distractible children with the best chance of becoming well-adjusted adults are those who have loving, supportive parents who work together with school staff, mental health workers, and their healthcare provider (when needed).
Being aware of your children’s unique temperament, and how they respond to the world around them, can help you to modify your parenting and your children’s environment so they can feel and be more successful.
Bolstering
self-esteem
Parents and teachers have a right to feel frustrated when managing distracted children. At the same time, telling a distracted child that if s/he cannot pay attention s/he may fail or be expelled from school, however, almost never helps the child improve. Worse, this is more likely to create feelings of inadequacy and shame. A strategy more likely to succeed would be to explain that you are proud of how hard your child has worked to achieve success, even though he has been challenged with distractibility. How can we further bolster a distracted child's ability to cope inside and outside the home with frustration and the feelings of anger, despair or self-doubt that often accompany their focusing problems? Some further strategies are below.
Be
understanding
Remember that the distraction prone child is struggling with feelings of inadequacy. It is of utmost importance that parents are empathetic with their frustrated children. These children need extra doses of understanding and encouragement to stay motivated.
Be calm,
firm, and non-controlling
Avoid yelling. Yelling is really just an adult temper tantrum that only clouds your child's mind, making him more distractible. Keeping your cool, stating clear expectations, and trying not to command these children is the formula for success.
Get to
the bottom of the problem
Remember that your child is not being bad when he or she is frustrated. The true reason for the possible tears is that she is struggling with a task that is beyond her resources at the moment. Stay tuned into the frustration and remember what it is that makes your child find homework hard to do. This is much more productive and healthy than just viewing your child as "lazy." Keep asking questions to determine, for example, whether your son is frustrated because he doesn't understand the parts of the sentence. Try to discern how much your child learned the material in school and what is it about this problem that's too hard. Once you identify that there's a problem area or skill deficit, you can work on that or involve the teacher to help re-teach the material.
Don't
wait for the drama and tears
Focus on the first signs of a meltdown and intervene early in the sequence of events. Does your daughter fidget, stare into space or seem reluctant to begin the work in the first place? Pay attention to those moments before you just mutter, "Oh no, here we go again..."
Break
down big problems into smaller ones
This strategy is usually overlooked and underused. Distracted children will feel more motivated by small successes versus big failures. Your child might need a break, or some help turning a big project into a series of small jobs. Children may need an adult to supply the structure. For example, saying "Yes, this problem is a tough one, but let's see what we can do. Let's do one question together, then you try the second and I'll be right here if you need me." Modelling calm attention to a task often has a calming impact on kids.
Use
checklists
Help your child get into the habit of keeping a to-do list. It's very reinforcing to be able to cross tasks off a list.
Draw on
past successes
If your son is frustrated at not being able to get a hit on the baseball field, remind your child of the time he learned to do a new trick on the skateboard and ask, "What worked for you then? You're reminding him of a time when he did do well and encouraging him to use the same strategies in this new situation."
Focus on
the present
Rewards down the road don't work so well for easily frustrated kids. Something more immediate needs to happen. A colourful new sticker when she completes a math problem might encourage your young daughter to go on to the next. Avoid making the outcome or incentive too big or long-term. Saying in October, "You can get a new bike this summer if you get your homework done more often," is a reward that is too distant in the future.
Keep
proactive and open communication with your child's teachers
Distracted children tend to shut down quickly when they encounter obstacles. The great news, however, is that you can help your child resist sinking and keep on swimming if you stay active and involved.
Remember
to be a helper but not an enabler
As much as you may hope your distracted child will outgrow her distractibility down the road, it is far from certain. For some children, the symptoms get better as they grow older and learn to adjust. Others, because of their genetics, may demonstrate continued tendencies toward distraction. Just keep in mind that the distractible children with the best chance of becoming well-adjusted adults are those who have loving, supportive parents who work together with school staff, mental health workers, and their healthcare provider (when needed).
Being aware of your children’s unique temperament, and how they respond to the world around them, can help you to modify your parenting and your children’s environment so they can feel and be more successful.
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