Being a father

Fathers have a special and important role in their children's lives. Children are lucky if they have a father who is involved in their lives, who knows their friends and is interested in how they spend their day. It really helps if they know that they are loved and cared for by both parents.

 

In the past, fathers were often responsible for discipline and setting rules and mothers did most of the caring. There's now much more flexibility in what each parent does and more sharing of the parenting role.  Being a father is your most important job. While parenting can be done by either parent, children have unique experiences with both their fathers and their mothers. 

What does it mean to be a father?

 

Sometimes fathers feel unsure about what is expected of them. This is partly because there is no clear difference between 'men's work' and 'women's work' any more. You may know what kind of father you want to be, or don't want to be, based on memories of your own childhood. There is no one right way and no recipe for being a father.
What is important is to think about what is going to work for you and that will depend on:

• what you expect to do as a father
• what your children's mother expects
• what your partner expects if she is not your children's mother
• whether you are living with your children all of the time or some of the time, or whether they live with their mother and visit you
• the way you and your partner balance work and family responsibilities
• the good things that you want to do for your own children
• what your father did with you
• the things that you see other fathers do
• what your own children want and need.
  

The most important gift that you can give to your children is your love. This means getting to know them and being involved in their lives so they also get to know you.
It means spending time with your children and making the most of the time you spend with them.

Some things that all fathers can do

 

• What children say they want from fathers:
  • "Do things together."
  • "Sit and talk."
  • "Don't work so much."
• Talk about your feelings so that your children learn that it is okay for men to talk about feelings. Talk about when you feel sad and happy.
• Spend time with your daughters. You are the first man that your daughters really know. It will help them to feel good about being female if they see that you enjoy your time with them and you respect women. You are helping them to learn how to expect men to treat them when they grow up.
• Show your sons how you would like them to be when they are men. To learn this boys need to spend time with you and with other men. They will learn much more from what you do than from what you say.
• Enjoy your children's company - get involved, read, play, have fun, do things together.
• Take your children to work with you sometimes if you can. Let them get to know how you spend your days when they are not with you.
• Being out of work and having money worries can make problems for parents, but it may also mean that you have time to give to your children. Make this time special so they will remember it all their lives.
• Comfort them. Children, even tiny babies, can get a special feeling of security from being comforted by their dads when they are frightened or upset.
• Read to your children - starting from birth. It really helps to create a strong bond with them. Reading books can simply be looking at pictures, or enjoying being together. Bedtime is a great time for stories.
• Play with your children. Fathers often enjoy active and tumble play. Children can learn a lot from this sort of play with their fathers. They learn that you can be strong and have fun while being gentle, always stopping before things get out of hand.
• Help your children with their sport or hobbies by attending their games and maybe even coaching or helping out with their team.
• Share your own interests and hobbies with them by involving them in what you do.
• Share your child's life. Go to school and preschool parent nights, to the doctor, to the park and shopping.
• Encourage your children to explore the world and find out about new things to do and try.
• Teach your children about rules and laws. Teach by what you do, as well as what you tell them. Stick to what you believe is right and in their interests, even if it annoys them.
• Encourage your children to stick at a problem even if it is hard.
• Expect your children to do their best and be proud of them when they do, but be proud of them when they try, but fail.
• Don't push your children into doing things you wanted to do and missed out on. They need to live their own lives.
• Show your love in different ways if you find it hard to say you love them. It doesn't need a lot of talking to:
  • take your children fishing
  • help them with their homework
  • go for a walk in the park
  • cheer at a school football match.
    

What matters most for children is how you are a father. Even if you are not a full-time father your children need to know that you care about them and you will look after them.  Being a father also means making sure that your relationship with your partner/spouse is working well. One of the things that will help your children most is for their parents to get on well together. Children usually love both parents and it hurts them to see parents fighting or putting each other down. This does not teach them how to make good relationships with others as they get older. 
 

What you can do

 

• Make regular time to be together as a couple without the children.
• Discuss your feelings right from the start. When you have your first baby your relationship with your partner will bring big changes. She may feel tired and sometimes overwhelmed by coping with body changes and with new responsibilities. You may feel left out or even jealous. Set a pattern of working things out together for the sake of your new family.
• Talk to your partner about how it is for you as well. For example many men feel a great responsibility to look after the family especially if there is a new baby and the wife's income has suddenly stopped. This can be a worry. Talk it over with your partner. Listen to her feelings as well.
• Talk about what you each expect of yourself and your partner in looking after the children.
• Work out how you will share things like:
  • getting up at night
  • bathing and feeding
  • arranging a babysitter when you go out
  • taking the children to school and activities
  • managing discipline
  • arranging some free time for each of you
  • taking time off work when the children are sick (find out what your work offers in parenting leave for fathers).
• Try to sort out any relationship problems away from the children.
• Treat your children's mother (and all women) with respect so that your daughters will grow up knowing that it is good to be a woman and your sons will know how to treat their future partners.
• If you don't agree with the way their mother handles something discuss it with her in private. If you still can't agree remember - children can learn to cope with parents being different. What they can't cope with is parents putting each other down.