Children with aggressive behaviour constitute one of the most common and difficult challenges for parents, particularly for young parents. To work on this issue it is crucial that parents have developed a relationship (with the child) based on solid communication and trust.
Parents must be willing to take a step back from the situation and view their child’s behaviour in context. What is unacceptable behaviour to a parent may seem logical and appropriate to a child. The key to helping a child manage their own behaviour is to teach them realistic, constructive alternatives to the behaviour habits they have already developed. A child with consistently aggressive behaviour may be taught how to identify when they are feeling angry and then learn strategies to apply in such situations. Children, for example, may be taught to count-to-ten, take deep breaths or visualise a peaceful scene. Children should not be discouraged from feeling angry but rather taught how to deal appropriately with anger when it arises.
Why is my child being aggressive?
There you are, watching your little
angel through the window at preschool, thinking how blessed you are
to have her. All of a sudden, she draws back her little hand – and
whacks another child squarely on the nose.
As shocking as it may be to you, aggression is a normal part of a child's development. Lots of children this age grab toys from classmates, hit, kick or scream themselves blue in the face from time to time. Sometimes the cause is a simple case of fear: your child might lash out if she feels cornered by another child, for instance.
Other triggers may have more to do with frustration. After all, your child is learning a lot of new skills, from using scissors to speaking in complex sentences. She can easily become frustrated with everything she's trying to learn and end up pouncing on a playmate. If she's going to preschool for the first time, she's also getting used to being away from home. If she feels resentful or neglected on top of everything else, she might just retaliate by shoving the child who won't get out of her way.
Sometimes, your little one is simply tired and hungry. She doesn't quite know what to do about it, so she responds by biting, hitting or throwing a tantrum.
The good news is your child will eventually grow out of her aggressive behaviour as she discovers how to use words instead of fists and feet to solve her problems. The key is helping her realise – sooner rather than later – that she'll get better results from talking than she will from pulling a friend's hair.
As shocking as it may be to you, aggression is a normal part of a child's development. Lots of children this age grab toys from classmates, hit, kick or scream themselves blue in the face from time to time. Sometimes the cause is a simple case of fear: your child might lash out if she feels cornered by another child, for instance.
Other triggers may have more to do with frustration. After all, your child is learning a lot of new skills, from using scissors to speaking in complex sentences. She can easily become frustrated with everything she's trying to learn and end up pouncing on a playmate. If she's going to preschool for the first time, she's also getting used to being away from home. If she feels resentful or neglected on top of everything else, she might just retaliate by shoving the child who won't get out of her way.
Sometimes, your little one is simply tired and hungry. She doesn't quite know what to do about it, so she responds by biting, hitting or throwing a tantrum.
The good news is your child will eventually grow out of her aggressive behaviour as she discovers how to use words instead of fists and feet to solve her problems. The key is helping her realise – sooner rather than later – that she'll get better results from talking than she will from pulling a friend's hair.
Successful anger-management involves teaching children effective alternatives to aggressive behaviour. Aggressive behaviour often becomes a behavioural pattern for children because it is inadvertently reinforced. Such behaviour is reinforced in a number of ways. The first of these is when the behaviour solves a problem for a child.
Aggressive behaviour may also be reinforced through parental or peer modelling. TV shows and movies may similarly demonstrate that aggression and violence lead to glory and supremacy.
For example:
Lara is 10 years old. She has a little brother, Joe, who is 7. Yesterday when Joe was watching cartoons on TV, Lara snatched the remote control from him so she could watch her Princess Diaries DVD. When Joe tried to grab the remote control back from Lara, she smacked him firmly on the leg. On seeing this behaviour their father, grabbed Lara by the arm, hit her on the leg and swiftly sent her to her room. Whilst father was attempting to extinguish Lara’s aggressive behaviour, he actually sent a mixed message. Father has modelled aggression as the solution to his disciplinary dilemma. In this scenario, both Lara and Joe have learnt that aggression can be used as a method for solving problems.
Tips to deal with aggressive behaviour
- Do not become aggressive yourself. Children often model their behaviour on what you do, rather than what you say.
- Do not try to “talk things out” when your child is still angry. Wait until a quieter moment, when the anger has diffused.
- When things have calmed down, discuss the aggressive behaviour. Talk about what could have been done differently to avoid the aggression.
- Write down family rules. Agree together on what the rules will be and get everyone to sign that they are in agreement. Refer to the rules when required.
- If there are two parents in a household, stick together and be consistent in your approach to minimising aggressive behaviour.
- Rewarding assertive behaviour will ultimately be more
effective than punishing aggressive behaviour.
This activity is designed to assist children in developing their ability to identify times when a choice can be made within the lead up to aggressive behaviour.
Instructions:
- Ask the child to think of a recent occasion when they behaved aggressively.
- Ask the child to describe what happened (in detail) leading up to the event.
- On a large (A3) sheet of paper, ask the child to draw the lead up to feeling angry in a series of comic strip frames (complete with speech and thought bubbles).
- Ask the child to choose a frame in the comic strip in which they could have behaved differently.
- Brainstorm alternative ways of behaving (eg. instead of
yelling at Lucy, I could have counted to ten and ignored him). Ask
the child to re-draw the comic strip including this new behaviour
and a likely new ending.
Reward good behaviour
Rather than paying attention to your child only when she misbehaves, try to catch her being good – when she asks for a turn at the computer game instead of snatching the mouse away, for instance, or gives up her swing to another child who's been waiting. Tell her how proud of her you are, and be specific in your praise. If necessary, keep a special calendar on the fridge or on her bedroom wall, and reward her when she manages not to lose her temper.
Aggression that begins in the earliest years of life is clearly linked to delinquent and criminal behaviour in later life. Preventative interventions during the early years of life reduce the prevalence and the seriousness of such behaviour problems.
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