Sibling love

Family is for life, so here’s how to make sure your children’s bond with one another is happy, loving and strong.

Brothers and sisters are usually one another’s first playmates, helping each other discover the world and develop social skills. Aside from Mummy and Daddy they’re each other’s greatest supports and they have a natural love for each other. It all sounds lovely, but of course any great relationship takes work!

The truth is that sibling rivalry is real and sibling battles are natural and normal. It might seem, however, that you spend more of your time refereeing battles between your kids than actually helping foster a positive, loving relationship between them! But focusing on the latter, studies show, is actually the best measure to prevent sibling rivalry.

Feeling the love

One of our primary roles as parents is to be role models for our children. They not only mimic us, but learn from us. This means if we display anger, competitiveness or dominance with our partner they will pick up this behaviour.

Similarly, the more love, care and affection for each other and for our children that we show, the more our toddlers learn to act this way with each other.

It’s not only wonderful to see siblings copying behaviour such as giving cuddles and showing respect, but if you need to pull your kids up on bad behaviour, it’s also easier to argue that they need to treat each other the same way that you treat them!

Coaching the team

Toddlers are naturally independent and like testing boundaries, which means they’ll compete or battle sometimes. But what doesn’t come naturally to them is knowing how to resolve conflict in a loving or respectful way.

For the older sibling, this can start from the arrival of the new baby – for example, she can give her new sibling a little present at the hospital and start practising giving gentle cuddles. As the younger sibling grows older, it’s helpful to provide games and activities where the two of them can be shown the great benefits of playing together and cooperating. Try to be creative and set up activities where they can help or rely on each other to realise a good outcome. Let them make little cakes together for a tasty treat, for example, or build a model together. Encourage them to give each other a hug for helping out.

Games and activities that involve the whole family are also critical in developing loving sibling relationships. Young kids love playing with their parents, so having all the family cooperating to have fun or to complete an activity is a fantastic way to build love and respect. Keep it simple at first, such as all stacking blocks into a tower or all putting parts of a puzzle together.

Keeping the peace

Despite your best efforts, still expect battles and fights to occur! Immediately punishing or separating children can lead to suppressed feelings and to harbouring anger, which can then erode a loving sibling relationship over time.

Developmentally, toddlers are rarely ready to resolve conflict (and hey, lots of adults aren’t good at this either!). At this tender age you do need to be involved in helping siblings work out relationship issues. However, don’t totally take over or force control. Rather, take time to explain, show and even role-play better ways to work out conflict and have your littlies practise the new skills. Finally, when they are happier, encourage your children to show each other affection and have a hug and kiss now that things are better. Experiencing this after a battle is an important part in fostering that loving relationship.

Throughout all this, the golden rule of sibling rivalry is never to take sides. Talk calmly but firmly, keep your own cool and deal with siblings equally. Don’t expect the older child to be mature and not to fight. Usually both siblings have behaved unacceptably and so they should be equally managed, such as both facing time away from the TV or toys. This equality actually promotes sibling love, whereas punishing one child more so promotes anger and resentment.

After separating and, if necessary, giving both children time out, always try to return to the problem and get them to work it out better this time. Hopefully this will end with more positive, loving engagement.

By following these positive practices you can help ensure that a loving sibling relationship is developed in the early years, hopefully to carry all the way through to adulthood.