What causes sibling rivalry?

  Think about it.

  

Siblings don't choose the family they are born into, don't choose each other. They may be of different sex, are probably of different age and temperament, and worst of all, they have to share the one person or the two people they most want for themselves: their parents. Other factors include:

• Position in the family, for example, the oldest child may be burdened with responsibilities for the younger children or the younger child spends his life trying to catch up with an older sibling;
• Age, a five and an eight year old can play some games together but when they become ten and thirteen, they will probably be poles apart. 

The most important factor, however, is parental attitude. Parents have been taught that they must be impartial but this can be extremely difficult. It's inevitable that parents will feel differently about children who have different personalities with differing needs and place in the family. Picture the age-old conflict of the young child whining. "It's not fair. Why can't I stay up until nine-thirty like my older brother?". Fairness has nothing to do with it. Younger child simply needs more sleep. It's as simple as that, and parents are advised never to give in to the old "it's not fair" strategy.

Many parents feel that in order to be fair they must try to treat their children equally. It's simply not possible.  However, here are some do's and don'ts that may be helpful in dampening down sibling rivalry within a family:

• Don't make comparisons. Each child feels he is unique and rightly so-he is unique, and he resents being evaluated only in relation to someone else. Instead of comparison, each child in the family should be given his own goals and levels of expectation that relate only to him.
• Don't dismiss or suppress your children's resentment or angry feelings. Contrary to what many people think, anger is not something we should try to avoid at all costs. It's an entirely normal part of being human, and it's certainly normal for siblings to get furious with one another. They need the adults in their lives to assure them that mothers and fathers get angry, too, but have learned control and that angry feelings do not give license to behave in cruel and dangerous ways. This is the time to sit down, acknowledge the anger and talk it through.
• When possible, let brothers and sisters settle their own differences. Sounds good but it can be terribly unfair in practice. Parents have to judge when it is time to step in and mediate. 

Common mistakes parents make in managing sibling rivalry

• Taking sides such as attempting to punish the child who is at fault, usually the one seen pounding on the other child. (How long has this child put up with the taunting of the other child before taking drastic measures?)
• Ignoring appropriate behaviour. Parents often ignore their children when they are playing nicely. They only pay attention when a problem arises. 

Simple parenting techniques that work

1. Introduce a family plan to help with the situation that provides negative and positive consequences for all concerned such as:

• When there is any fighting or shouting, all involved will have a consequence such as a time out.
• However, when we can go the whole day or afternoon or evening (whatever makes sense for your situation), then everyone will earn a privilege such as (1) you can have a snack, (2) I will read you a story, (3) we will all play a game together, (4) I will play outside with you or (5) you can stay up later. 

2. Develop a system for evenly distributing coveted privileges. In other words, a system for taking turns for such things as:

• Who gets to push the button in the elevator,
• Who gets to chose where to go to eat lunch or dinner,
• Who gets to chose the television show.

Yes, siblings ran create certain stresses but if they are overcome successfully, they will give your children resources that will serve them well later in life. Siblings learn how to share, how to come face to face with jealousy, and how to accept their individual strengths and weaknesses.

Best of all, as they watch you handle sibling rivalry with fairness, they will be pining knowledge that will be valuable when they, too, become parents.

____________________________________________________

English Governess | UK Governess | British Governess | Child Care