Stop shouting!

• Your child will learn to tune out the volume at home - and unless things are said in anger, when the tone changes, he'll probably be totally comfortable in a noisy house.
• If the volume is always on high at home, your child may not learn how to 'hear' anyone who is softly spoken.
• If your child is always competing for 'air-space', he may not develop good listening skills because he's too busy waiting for an opportunity to speak.
• Most children find high emotions frightening, so if you and your partner enjoy a feisty relationship, make sure that your sparring doesn't make your child fearful that you don't love each other or him. Many children who witness their parents constantly arguing worry about impending divorce and the break-up of the family.
• If you shout at your child in anger, in all likelihood he won't hear what you've got to say - instead, he'll just focus on your anger which will make him frightened.
  

Most children who are shouting a lot - as opposed to just being generally loud - have had the behaviour modelled to them at home. So, if you don't like your child shouting in anger, chances are that you will have to learn how to tone down your own anger, or develop other more acceptable ways to vent it.

How does shouting affect my child?

 

Depending on your child's temperament, shouting will affect him more or less. Sensitive children - particularly babies - tend to find the rise in volume frightening, and it seems that the deeper the voice, the more upsetting it is.

Some children don't seem to be particularly upset by shouting, though almost all children are unable to focus on what is being said, as they tend to only 'hear' the volume and tone that is being used. 

 

So what is the solution?

 

Many parent's typical reaction to not being listened to is to shout. While a loud and angry tirade usually gets things done, it comes at a cost. Anger always does. We harm our relationships with our children (or spouse) when we are angry.

Instead, I suggest you do the following:

• Attribute the best possible motives we can to our children - perhaps they didn't hear us. Perhaps they were so involved in what they were doing that they forgot. Perhaps they don't know how to do it.
• Ask them again in a way you know they understand.
• Crouching down on the floor, looking into their eyes, and holding their hand you can easily and clearly restate your request. You can ensure that they have heard, that they understand, and that they are capable of doing it. You may even ask them how they plan to do it, when, and whether there are any obstacles to it occurring.
• Use gentle reminders and try not to lose your cool.
• Call your child by name. When you have your child's attention state the issue, say please, and wait. 
   
  

Gentle is best

 

Persistent use of gentle reminders will get things done, better, faster, and more lovingly than most other methods. Kindness rather than anger, patience and gentleness rather than abrasive outbursts. These approaches reduce nagging, and offer simple solutions to the endless need to get things done.