A shy child

Some children are outgoing. Others feel uncomfortable joining a group or being the focus of attention from people outside the family. The tendency to be shy is mostly a matter of inborn temperament, not something that parenting causes or can change. But you can help your child to feel comfortable being who she is.

A shy child is anxious or inhibited in unfamiliar situations or when interacting with others. Most children feel shy from time to time, but the lives of some are severely restricted by their shyness.
A shy child is most likely to be nervously constrained if they feel they are ‘on show’, such as when meeting someone new or having to speak in front of others. A shy child is much more comfortable to watch the action from the sidelines rather than join in.

Most children feel shy from time to time but the lives of some are severely curtailed by their shyness. Children who suffer from extreme shyness may grow out of it as they mature or they may grow up to be shy adults. Parents can help their children to overcome mild shyness. In severe cases, professional help may be advisable.

How to tell if shyness is a problem

There is a wide range of shyness that is normal. A slow-to-warm-up child is usually able to get over an initial tendency to hang back. Once that’s done, the child joins in joyfully. An overly shy child, on the other hand, avoids many social situations completely and misses out.
Normal shyness does not prevent a child from going to school, going to birthday parties, or playing in the park. But a thoughtful adult (often a parent or teacher) might need to take some time to help the child feel comfortable in the beginning.

Shyness becomes a problem when it blocks a child’s ability to move ahead developmentally – to make relationships with people outside the immediate family, including peers, teachers and other adults.

Shy behaviours

Here are some shy behaviours that might concern you.

• Your child clings to your legs when there are unknown adults around. After a few minutes of not being pressured, a normally shy child is able to start moving away or playing. I like the term ‘slow to warm up’ to describe this sort of behaviour.
• At the park, your child stands off on the side as other children play with each other. Afterward, she might say that she had fun, even though all she did was watch. Parents need to feel comfortable letting their children take their time to warm up.
• Your child doesn’t want to be dropped off at school or at the sitter’s house. You might need to stay for several minutes while he becomes comfortable and involved in play. Then, it’s best to simply say goodbye without much fuss. This communicates confidence in your child’s ability to handle the situation. It shouldn’t take longer than a week for a child to become comfortable, although you might have to repeat the process for each new situation. Over time, you can remind your child, ‘I know you always feel uneasy at first, but then you’re always OK’.
• Your child refuses to speak outside the home. This problem tends to get worse over time. It is probably important to work with a professional in situations such as this.
• Your child refuses to ‘perform’ for strangers, as in, ‘Say your alphabet for the nice doctor, Sam’. This behaviour is very common in preschool children. Some completely healthy children might never feel comfortable ‘on stage’. The best approach is to lower the pressure as much as possible.
• Your child chooses to play by himself much of the time. This is normal for many children, as long as they have at least one or two friends (for a child aged four or older).
• Sometimes shyness goes along with other fears – fears of animals, for example, or the dark. Pay attention to your own feelings.
  

Sometimes what concerns parents the most about their children are issues that were in fact hard for the parents when they were growing up. If you remember being painfully shy as a child, you might find your child’s shyness hard to bear. On the other hand, if you have always been very outgoing, you might find your child’s shy behaviour especially puzzling.
By paying attention to your own feelings, you will be able to focus more clearly on how your child’s shyness is affecting her.

Complications of shyness

Constant and severe shyness can reduce the quality of a child’s life in many ways, including:

• Reduced opportunities to develop or practise social skills
• Fewer friends
• Reduced participation in fun and rewarding activities that require interaction with others, such as sport, dance, drama or music
• Increased feelings of loneliness and reduced self-esteem
• Reduced ability to reach full potential because of their fear of being judged
• High anxiety levels
• Embarrassing physical effects such as blushing, stammering and trembling.
  
  

Possible causes of shyness

Some of the possible causes of shyness, often working in combination, may include:

• Genetics – aspects of personality can be decided, at least in part, by the individual’s inherited genetic makeup.
• Personality – emotionally sensitive and easily intimidated babies are more likely to grow up to be shy children.
• Learned behaviour – children learn by imitating their most influential role models: their parents. Shy parents may ‘teach’ shyness to their children by example.
• Family relationships – children who don’t feel securely attached to their parents or who have experienced inconsistent care-giving, may be anxious and prone to shy behaviour. Overprotective parents may teach their children to be inhibited and afraid, especially of new situations.
• Lack of social interaction – children who have been isolated from others for the first few years of their lives may not have the social skills that enable easy interaction with unfamiliar people.
• Harsh criticism – children who are teased or bullied by significant people in their lives (parents, siblings and other close family members or friends) may tend towards shyness.
• Fear of failure – children who have been pushed too many times beyond their capabilities (and then made to feel bad when they didn’t ‘measure up’) may have a fear of failure that presents itself as shyness.
  

The less confident a child feels, the more likely they are to behave in a shy way.

Parental attitudes are crucial

Parents are very influential in their children’s lives – probably much more than parents realise. Suggestions include:

• Be careful not to label your child as ‘shy’. Children (and adults) tend to live up to the labels others give them.
• Don’t let other people label your child as shy either.
• Never criticise or mock your child when they are shy. Be supportive, empathic and understanding.
• Encourage your child to talk about the reasons for their shyness – what are they afraid of?
• Tell your child about times in your life when you have been shy and how you overcame it. Since young children often see their parents as perfect, admitting to your own shyness can make your child feel better and reduce their overall anxiety.
• Be outgoing yourself. Model confident behaviour and lead by example.
  
  

Strategies for the parent

It is possible for the parent to encourage their child to be more outgoing. Strategies depend on the individual child and circumstances but can include:

• Share personal coping strategies you’ve learned over the years on overcoming shyness. Practice these strategies with your child.
• Tell your child about the many advantages of not being shy. Offer examples from your own life.
• Encourage outgoing behaviour. Praise your child when they handle an unfamiliar situation or meet a new person without resorting to shyness.
• Try goal-setting with your child. Aim for small, incremental steps and praise them for their progress. For example, saying ‘hello’ to another child may be a big first step.
• Deliberately take your child into new situations. Aim for small changes in behaviour first and gradually build up. For example, reward a child if they greet someone who is new to them. Be supportive.
• Make sure your child is allowed to excel in what they do best. Praise them for skills they have mastered.
  
• It’s important to consider how you talk about your child when she displays ‘shy’ behaviours. If you say, ‘Oh, Ann’s just shy’, this gives her a label. It doesn’t give her the option of being different. Try saying instead, ‘Ann will come and talk or play when she’s comfortable’. This sends the message that your child has some control, and give her an idea about how to cope.
  
• What helps children the most is to know that their parents accept them as they are and have confidence that they will be fine. You can also help by giving your child extra time and support.

The biology of shyness

A large part of a child’s personality is inborn. More and more, scientists are discovering how differences in the brain result in differences in how children respond to the world. Shyness is one of those personality traits that has been studied the most.
The tendency to be shy arises, in part, from the part of the brain that controls how we respond to things that are new or unfamiliar.
Most sensitive children grow up healthy and well-adjusted . Some even learn to be outgoing, although I suspect that some element of their earlier sensitive nature remains with them. The key to these good outcomes is parents who understand and accept their child’s individual differences, and who support the child in coping with new people and situations at the child’s own pace.

The professional help

If your child’s shyness is especially debilitating, you may like to consider professional help from a counsellor or psychologist. Treatment options include:

• Stress management
• Relaxation strategies
• Counselling sessions
• Social skills training.