Dealing with shyness

 

Identify the nature of your child's shyness.

 

Children are shy in different ways for different reasons. Understanding the nature of your child's shyness will help you develop a program geared towards your child's specific needs. Is your child shy in groups? At parties? Meeting new people? In novel situations? Or, pretty much everywhere? Does your child have trouble eating in public? Playing with other children? Making phone calls? Or, is your child only shy when s/he has to make a presentation in front of the class at school? Knowing the nature of you child's shyness will help you identify the specific skills your child needs to be more at ease in social situations.

Sometimes, though, children struggle with more than shyness. There are a number of conditions that masquerade as, or can lead to, shyness---many of which require professional attention. Some children struggle with non verbal disabilities or Asperger’s Syndrome which interfere with their ability to read social cues and understand how to enter and exit play or answer questions (at an appropriate level), other children struggle with extreme anxiety, while still others have difficulty establishing emotional bonds with other people. The good news is that most of these conditions benefit from supportive structured environments that emphasize the development of social skills, strategies for  anxiety, impulses and the ability to both read and relate to other people on an emotional level. The specific nature of the social skills and treatment strategies, however, is likely to vary with your child's needs. 

Role model confident social behaviour.

 

Children learn by watching the people around them. Parents that means you! With time, your ability to approach others and put them at ease can help to put your child at ease, too.

       Do . . .

·       Go first in social situations. Be the first person to say "Hi," to introduce yourself or to strike up conversations.

·       Make a list of the kinds of things you would like your child to feel comfortable doing (e.g., talking with other children, asking for help from store clerks, making phone calls, etc) and make a point of doing these things in front of your child.

·       Be friendly. Routinely smile and greet the people you see as you go through your day.

·       Compliment others often. Notice what you like about people (friends, family and strangers alike

·       Make an effort to help other people when you see they are in need. Open doors for people, pick things up when people drop them or offer to carry things for friends.

·       Role model taking risks and learning from them. Help your children learn by making positive comments about how you felt while you did things. Things like: "I thought that would be harder than it was." "That wasn't much fun, but I'm glad I did it and got it out of the way. At least now I don't have to worry about it." Or, "That didn't go as well as I thought it would, but at least I know what to do next time."

       Don't . . .

·       Embarrass your child in public.

·       Criticize people in public.

·       Berate yourself for having failed when you try things and they don't turn out the way you would like.

·       Berate your children when they make a mistake.

But what if you're shy yourself?

 

And there's a good chance you are--an almost 50/50 chance. It's hard to role model socially confident behavior for your children when you're struggling with shyness yourself. All you can do is your best.

·       Take advantage of opportunities to practice being assertive in front of your children by asking how much longer it will be before you're seated at restaurants or asking sales clerks how an appliance works.

·       Make an extra effort to practice social skills with your children at home . There's a good chance that teaching handshakes, introductions and conversation skills to your children will enhance your skills as well.

Fortunately, role modeling social skills for your children--even if they're in the privacy of your own home-- can help your child improve his/her social skills and is likely to improve yours, as well.  

Teach social skills early.  

When it comes to social skills, the earlier you begin teaching them the better. Arrange play dates for your children when they are young and seek out safe places for your children to interact with others and practice social skills as they get older (e.g., volunteer work, tutoring younger children, clubs and other structured activities with supportive group leaders).

·       Teach your children how to enter and exit groups and how to read other people's signals

·       Help your children understand what it takes to make and keep a good friend.

Emphasize creative problem-solving.   

As shy people, we tend to worry a lot. We're afraid things won't turn out the way we want them to and we're crushed if they don't. It's hard for us to see that failure is a natural part of learning. Instead, we do everything in our power to avoid it and we kill our creativity in the process.

One of the most important things you can teach your children is that failure provides the feedback we need to become good at the things we choose to do.

If at first we don't succeed, try again. The ability to see our problems as challenges and failures as feedback---as information about what we need to do next---strengthens our confidence by reminding us that just because we didn't succeed at first, doesn't mean we won't succeed in the end. Teach your children to think creatively. Show them how to brainstorm--how to generate more than one solution for their problems. Help them come to see themselves as scientists whose job is to test their solutions until they find the best one. Prepare them for disappointment, but teach them to persevere until they find an answer that works. 

Build creative problem-solving into your child's life.

·       Get in the habit of generating multiple solutions to each problem. Three is usually enough when you're in a hurry.

·       Refrain from evaluating solutions until you're finished generating them. Evaluations shut down the creative process by making people defensive.

·       When possible, test each solution empirically. Try going home from the store four different ways to see which is fastest.

·       Reward you children for trying as much you reward them for succeeding.

Help your child see that life is process of steps (and risks) of one size our another that - over time - lead to success. 

Your job as a parent is to monitor and periodically adjust those steps to determine the size that's best for your child. And, if as a parent you do a really good job, you may find that, with practice, your child is able to raise the size of his/her steps to higher and higher levels.

Help your child identify talents and hobbies that make him/her feel special. The more things we do, the more interesting we become to ourselves and other people---our self-esteem grows, we have more things to talk about and, if nothing else, the activities give our brains a little exercise.

Encourage your children to develop passions early in life.

 

Even if they don't like the first few things they try, the journey will make them richer for the experience. And don't worry if they find a passion you don't like (assuming it's not dangerous), most children will grow out things with time. Just know that the more things your children do in life, the more things they will have to share with other people and the easier it will be for them to connect. For a shy child, the ability to connect with another child is one of the greatest gifts they can receive.

Getting shy children to do things can be difficult.

 

If your child felt comfortable doing things, s/he wouldn't be shy. But because s/he is shy, odds are your child avoids precisely those things that could help him/her overcome his/her shyness.

·       Identify activities that take advantage of your child's strengths. Is your child athletic? Artistic? Neat and organized? Good at math? Loves to read? Good at building things? What holds his/her attention? What is least likely to discourage him/her? And find activities that take advantage of those strengths.

·       If your child is very shy and unwilling to attend group activities, start with solitary activities at first - like music lessons, arts and crafts projects out of book. Then, as your child gains more confidence, arrange opportunities for him/her to get guidance from other adults and gradually, with time, to share his/her interest with children his/her own age.

·       Encourage your child to share his/her expertise with others by performing, teaching, showing his/her work or simply describing what s/he is doing to others. Many children benefit from teaching their skill to children who are younger than them.

·       Seek out activities that offer an opportunity for growth and increased interaction with children his/her own age or learning to play an musical instrument might start off as a solitary exercise, but lead to your child's playing in the school band.

Help your child learn to manage his/her emotions.  

 

We know that the more we pay attention to other people's behaviour, the more likely they are to repeat that behaviour in our presence - independent of whether we like their behaviour or not.  And so it is with children---the more attention you pay to your child's behaviour, the more rewards they will derive from it. Unfortunately, that means the comfort you show your child when s/he is upset may backfire, teaching your children to show, if not feel, more of the upset you were meaning to squelch.

So, what can a parent do?

Well, for starters, don't stop comforting your child!   Not only would that be cruel, but all of us need comfort from time to time, adults and children, as well. Simply make an effort to evaluate the effects of your comfort on your child's behaviour to determine when your comfort is helping and when it is hurting. And, should you decide that some of your comfort hurts, simply shift the nature of your support from comforting your child to helping him/her learn to cope. 

Seek out opportunities to reward (i.e., praise, pay attention to) your child's coping efforts no matter how small.

Avoid comforting every little upset your child experiences.

Suggest solutions and reward your children's efforts.

Encourage your children to find their own solutions to problems (see teaching creative problem-solving above) and acknowledge their ability to so.

Let your children work out some of their problems on their own, even if they are uncomfortable doing it. Keep a watchful eye and don't intervene unless necessary.

Teach stress management techniques from an early age.

Teach tolerance and respect for others.

 

Shy people are notoriously judgmental, both of themselves and others. The more judgmental you are as a parent, the more opportunity your children will have to learn to internalize those judgments even though you may have intended to direct them at someone else. When shy children overhear you criticising other people's hair, wardrobe, job, lifestyle or personality, they assume that's what everyone does criticise others. They learn that going out in public means you will be continuously judged. What's more, by judging other people harshly, your child may come to believe that your are judging him/her harshly as well. 

Modelling tolerance and respect for others, despite their shortcomings, teaches children that people don't have to be perfect to be worthwhile.

·       Teach your child what is right about people, not just what is wrong.

·       Compliment others often.

·       When it comes to using criticism around shy children, remember . . . "less is more!" 

It's fair to say that no one strategy is right for all people at all times.

 

Not all people, parents included, understand how shy children feel. They mistake a child's anxiety for a sign weakness, lack of motivation and intellectual disability to name just a few. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that shy children are never lazy or never have intellectual challenges. It's just that most shy children are just that - children. They want to fit in. They want to belong just like other children, but their anxiety not their motivation or intellectual capacity gets in the way.

Seek qualified professional help as necessary. 

 

While many children outgrow their shyness, many others carry it forward with them into adulthood. If your child is struggling, particularly if your child is challenged by a non-verbal learning disability or if you have a history of anxiety disorders, depression or substance abuse in your family, consider getting professional help. The right support can help your child's shyness become just one small blip in the course of his/her development. In many cases, it will be fine to start your search for help by surfing the web, reading books, talking with other parents of shy children and/or taking classes. But should these avenues fail or should you want more immediate help for your child, it's best to consult a qualified professional who has expertise and is familiar with resources in this area.