Selfish and spolit child

Can't take no; wants things ASAP; feels entitled to receive special privileges; always wants to be entertained; is unappreciative, never satisfied, selfish, greedy.

 

Your child learns to consider other people's needs and feelings and recognize that who you are is more important than what you own.
 
Question: "I focused so much attention on my son that he sees the world as one big catering service just for him. What can I do so he's less selfish and thinks of someone besides himself? Help!"
Answer: The way to bring selfish kids "back to the civilized world" is to stop indulging their every whim and to show them how to consider other people's needs and feelings. It will take patience, energy, and fortitude, but research shows it's actually what makes children happier and more fulfilled.

Why Change?

Do you have a little princess or prince in your house who feels entitled to luxury and privilege? Does she think only of herself? Does he expect the world to revolve around him? If so, you're not alone. One thing is for sure: selfish kids are no joy to have around. They always want things their way, put their needs and concerns ahead of other people's, and rarely stop to consider others' feelings. And that's because they want you to believe that their feelings are actually more important than the feelings and needs of others.  The truth is, children don't arrive in this world selfish. Research shows that our children are born with the gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those virtues, they will lie dormant. Selfish, spoiled children are found to be less happy and satisfied about life, to have more troubles with relationships, and to have difficulty handling adversity. They are also less popular and more likely to be depressed and anxious. And they argue more with their parents. Without intervention, spoiled children are more likely to become less happy adults. 

Pay Attention to This!

There are two legitimate reasons children may appear to be selfish or spoiled but are not.
Developmental lags. Young children are self-centered because they are egocentric. They will have trouble waiting and do want their needs met ASAP. As they mature, they will be able to think of others. Also, any child diagnosed with attention or impulsivity deficits will have difficulty "waiting." Solution: tailor your expectations to your child's capabilities.
Emotional lags. Children who suffer trauma, who are depressed or overly stressed, or who have low self-esteem will appear selfish. Their emotional pain hinders them from reaching out to others. Children with Asperger's or attachment disorders, will also have trouble reading emotional cues and may seem inconsiderate. Solution: please seek professional help.

Signs and Symptoms

The presence of any one of these kinds of behaviours can mean your child is slipping into the "spoiled" category.

1. "No!" The child can't take no for an answer. He expects to get his way and usually does.
2. "Give me!" The child is more into getting than receiving. He is usually unappreciative and a bit greedy.
3. "Me!" The child thinks more of himself than of others. He expects (and receives) special favours and privileges.
4. "Now!" The child has the ability to wait, but won't. He wants his way ASAP, and it's usually easier to give in than to delay his request. He doesn't stop to consider that others may be inconvenienced as well. 
   
   

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Identify the reason Your first step to changing your child's selfish and spoiled ways is to figure out why your kid has this attitude. Once you figure out where his selfish ways are coming from, you'll be in a better place to turn them around. Here are a few of the most common reasons. Check those that may apply to your child or situation:
  • You are spoiling your child out of guilt. (You feel that you are not patient, that you need to make amends for your past mistakes, or that you don't spend enough time with him.)
  • You want your child to have a "better" childhood than your own.
  • You are living in a "competitive" community where what you have matters.
  • You've always treated him as if the world revolved around him.
  • You or another adult member of your family is modeling selfishness.
  • Your kid is jealous of your partner or a sibling, or is craving your love and approval.
  • Your child has never been taught the value of selflessness.
  • Your child has poor emotional intelligence and has difficulty identifying or understanding other people's emotions.
  • Your child has had a past (or present) trauma, illness, preexisting condition, learning disability, or something else that caused pain in his life, and you feel you need to make it up to him with "stuff."
  • Your child is angry, anxious, or depressed or having some other problem that makes it difficult for him to think of others.
  • You don't treat discipline and setting limits as a high priority in your parenting, and your child has learned that he is going to get his way if he keeps at you long enough.
  • You (or other family members) have the money, so your thinking is "Why not raise our child with privilege?"
    
  Once you figure out what is causing your child's selfish, spoiled ways, create one simple solution you can implement to prevent it from escalating further.
  
• Use the right parenting formula. Research shows that the best formula for raising less selfish, more considerate kids has two equal parts: unconditional love and firm limits. Is your parenting evenly balanced between the two parts? Or are you providing too much nurturance and not enough structure? If your present parenting formula isn't balanced, then realign your response so you are more likely to get the right results.
• Model selflessness. The simplest and most powerful way children learn kindness, consideration, and thoughtfulness is by seeing it in action. Make sure you are the model you want your child to copy. And when you do those simple, selfless acts—such as watching your friend's child, phoning a friend who is down, picking up trash, giving directions, asking someone how she is, baking cookies for your family—make sure you convey to your child how much pleasure you get from giving to others. By seeing consideration in your daily words and deeds and hearing you emphasize how being kind and caring makes you feel good, your child will be much more likely to follow your example. The old saying about children learning what they live has a lot of truth to it.
• Nurture empathy. Children who are empathic can understand where other people are coming from because they can put themselves in others' shoes and feel how they feel. And because they can "feel with" someone else, they are more unselfish. So nurture your child's empathy to help him see beyond himself and into the views of others. You might help him imagine how the other person feels about a special situation. "Imagine you're a new student and you're walking into a brand-new school and don't know anyone. How would you feel?" Ask such questions often, because they help kids understand the feelings and needs of other people.
• Boost character. Selfish children see what they have as more important than who they are. Emphasize in your child the things you can't see or buy: perseverance, compassion, honesty, respect, responsibility. And do stress why you value them. Your child will be more likely to adopt those values.
• Don't let your child always be the centre of attention. Receiving constant praise and rewards can make your child think life revolves around him. Praise only when your child earns and deserves the praise. Also teach your child to deal with boredom and enjoy his own company so that he doesn't feel the need to be entertained at all times. 
  
  

Step 2. Rapid Response

Your second step to deprogramming a spoiled child is to change your current response so that your parenting is aligned with proven practices that raise less selfish and more considerate kids.

• Decide to change your ways. Turning around your child's spoiled habits isn't going to be easy or pretty. Expect big-time resistance from your child, and so be it.
  
• Take back control and set limits. How many times do you have to say no to your child before he understands you really mean it? Selfish, spoiled children have learned to get what they desire. And the more often they do, the less likely they will think about others. Decide what issues and things you will not—under any circumstances—give in to (such as spending extra money on a particular video game, staying out late on a weeknight). If you think through your priorities, you'll be more likely not to back down or let your child wear you down. And if you need a little reinforcement, do know that hundreds of child development studies conclude that parents who set clear behaviour expectations and stick to them turn out less selfish children.
  

• Censor selfishness. If you really are serious about changing your child's selfish ways, you must stand firm and be consistent. Start by clearly laying down your new expectations: "In this house you are always to be considerate of others." Then clearly state your disapproval each and every time your child acts selfishly. It won't be easy, especially if your child is accustomed to having his every whim catered to. But a major step in squelching your child's selfishness is simply not to tolerate it.

• Maintain your rights. You should be allowed to talk on the phone without being interrupted. You should be able to sleep in your bed without another warm body curled up beside you. You should be able to say no to your child without feeling guilty. You are the parent. Don't feel as if you always have to put your child up on that pedestal and shove your own needs aside. If you do, you're liable to end up with a spoiled child who feels entitled to get his way.

• Call out selfish deeds. Whenever your child does anything even remotely inconsiderate, always express your objections to the self-centred behaviour. Allowing the selfish action sends a message that you tolerate it. So call it for what it is: "That was selfish" (or inconsiderate or unkind). Then help your child consider the needs of the other person. "How would you feel if that happened to you?" "How do you think your friend felt?" "What can you do next time so you consider your friend's feelings?" That simple reasoning process helps kid become less selfish and more sensitized to the feelings of others.

• Get other caregivers on board. You'll be more successful at changing your child's spoiled ways if you get at least one other person who cares about your child to support your deprogramming plan. You may have to have a serious talk with other caregivers in your child's life (such as grandparents) who are guilty of overindulging or always making this child the centre of attention. 
  
  

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

The third step to deprogramming selfish, spoiled kids is to stretch them away from assuming the world revolves around them, so that they start thinking about others. Here are simple, proven ways:

• Focus on others. Selfish children put themselves first. So gently start helping your child step to the side and think of others. Also help your child recognize the strengths of others.
• Teach your child to wait. Selfish children want their way NOW. They rarely stop to consider whether you or anyone else is being inconvenienced. You need to stretch your child's waiting quotient so that he doesn't put his own needs in front of others'. If you're on the phone, put up your finger and signal that you'll talk to him in a certain number of minutes. If you're at the mall, tell him you won't stop what you're doing to go to the bank for more cash. He'll have to make the purchase when he remembers to bring his allowance. If he wants to get on the computer, don't let him push his sister's time aside to suit his own convenience. It will take patience and fortitude on your part, but a less selfish attitude will be the outcome.

• Reinforce selfless acts. One of the fastest ways to increase selflessness is by "catching" your child doing considerate and unselfish acts. So look for selfless behaviours in your child and acknowledge them. Describe the deed so that he clearly understands the virtue and point out the impact it had on the recipient. Doing so will also help your child be more likely to repeat the same act another time.
• Require giving back. Require your child to do for others on a regular basis, every day: do his chores; take the dog for a walk; call Grandma every Sunday to see how she's doing. Just plain expect that he think of someone besides himself and contribute to your family. If you don't expect him to give to others, he will feel entitled.
• Help children realize the impact of giving. Posing the right questions to a child after he performs any selfless, considerate act helps a child recognize the impact his behaviour can have on others as well as on himself. So use giving actions to stretch your child from "me" to "we" by posing such questions as these:
  "What did the person do when you were considerate?"
  "How do you think she felt?"
  "How would you feel if you were the person?"
  "How did you feel when you were being kind to her?"
  "How did you feel when you saw her reaction to your gesture?"
  Even better, decide to give back as a family. Find a cause you support and then bring your kids along to experience the miracle of giving. It could be taking extra toys to a children's ward in a hospital, helping at an animal shelter, reading to the elderly. There is no better way to stretch your child than having him experience the joy of giving.
  
  

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler Children this age will  need reminders to wait their turn, share their toys, and think about others. Your goal is to stretch them to consider others' needs and feelings.
School Age Competitiveness gears up, which can make children more one sided in their thinking and inconsiderate of their class - or teammates' feelings. Use competitions and team activities as opportunities to help your child be less selfish. Watch for a materialistic need always to be "one up" on another friend.
Tween The need to "fit in" peaks during these ages. Watch out for put-downs, vicious gossip, and verbal bullying (especially among girls). Call your child on any callous actions so that she considers the other girls' feelings.

Play the "Step into My Shoes" Game

Research proves that a great way to stretch your child from always thinking "me-me-me" is to have him actually stand in another person's shoes. You can start with your own shoes or that of an older or younger sibling. Your child literally acts out the situation from the other perspective. "How do I feel? What would I say? What would I want to have happen instead of what did?" The trick is to help your child switch roles so that he starts thinking about others instead of always himself.