Child refuses to do homework?

Do you get into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents say that this is one of their top struggles with their children. If you're dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, "Time to do your homework," because you know what's coming next... Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

 
They don't call it "homework" for nothing
Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It's important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your children manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your children, run the house and offer love and guidance.
I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some children are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.
Here's the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.
Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:


Stay calm
Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done. 

Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities
Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that children are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some children need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs. 


Advices:

1. Have a relationship with your child’s teacher.
   Try your best to build a good relationship with your child's teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child's teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times. 
   
   
2. Play the parental role most useful to your child.
   Some children need a tutor; others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You're not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them. 
   
   
3. Keep activities similar with all your kids.
   If you have several children, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities. 
   
   
4. Set up a structured time and place for homework.
   Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for children with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV. Make sure your children have a “space” for doing their work. For some children this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room. 
   
   
5. Start early.
   Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.

6. Choose the best person for the job
   If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member who would consider helping your child from time to time. 
   
   
7. Offer empathy and support.
   If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it's important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it's unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent - as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style. 
   
   
8. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.
   It’s always important to reinforce positive behaviour, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most children get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted or spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most children and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.
   

Let the responsibility to complete it — and the consequences for failing to do so — lie with them. If your child gives up and refuses to finish an assignment, don't take it as a personal affront.

Most children will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful leaders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most children. 

Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

Angry child

Handling children’s anger can be draining and distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us.

It has been said that we as parents and teachers need to remind ourselves that we were not always taught how to deal with anger as a fact of life during our own childhood. We were led to believe that to be angry was to be bad, and we were often made to feel guilty for expressing anger.

It will be easier to deal with children’s anger if we get rid of this notion. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children—or in ourselves—but rather to accept the feelings and to help channel and direct them to constructive ends.

Parents and teachers must allow children to feel all their feelings. Adult skills can then be directed toward showing children acceptable ways of expressing their feelings. Strong feelings cannot be denied, and angry outbursts should not always be viewed as a sign of serious problems; they should be recognized and treated with respect.

To respond effectively to overly aggressive behaviour in children we need to have some ideas about what may have triggered an outburst. Anger may be a way to avoid painful feelings; it may be associated with failure, low self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be related to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.

Angry defiance may also be associated with feelings of dependency, and anger may be associated with sadness and depression. In childhood, anger and sadness are very close to one another and it is important to remember that much of what an adult experiences as sadness is expressed by a child as anger.

Before we look at specific ways to manage aggressive and angry outbursts, several points should be highlighted:

• We should distinguish between anger and aggression. Anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.
  
• Anger and aggression do not have to be dirty words. In other words, in looking at aggressive behaviour in children, we must be careful to distinguish between behaviour that indicates emotional problems and behaviour that is normal.
  
• In dealing with angry children, our actions should be motivated by the need to protect and to teach, not by a desire to punish. Parents and teachers should show a child that they accept his or her feelings, while suggesting other ways to express the feelings. An adult might say, for example, "Let me tell you what some children would do in a situation like this..." It is not enough to tell children what behaviours we find unacceptable. We must teach them acceptable ways of coping. Also, ways must be found to communicate what we expect of them. Contrary to popular opinion, punishment is not the most effective way to communicate to children what we expect of them.
  
  

How to respond?

Catch the child being good

Tell the child what behaviours please you. Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behaviour. An observing and sensitive parent will find countless opportunities during the day to make such comments as "I like the way you come in for dinner without being reminded"; "You were really patient while I was on the phone"; "I’m glad you shared your snack with your sister"; "I like the way you’re able to think of others"; and "Thank you for telling the truth about what really happened."

Similarly, teachers can positively reinforce good behaviour with statement like "I know it was difficult for you to wait your turn, and I’m pleased that you could do it"; "Thanks for sitting in your seat quietly"; "You worked hard on that project, and I admire your effort."

Deliberately ignore inappropriate behaviour that can be tolerated

This doesn’t mean that you should ignore the child, just the behaviour. The "ignoring" has to be planned and consistent. Even though this behaviour may be tolerated, the child must recognize that it is inappropriate.

Provide physical outlets and other alternatives

It is important for children to have opportunities for physical exercise and movement, both at home and at school.

Manipulate the surroundings

Aggressive behaviour can be encouraged by placing children in tough, tempting situations. We should try to plan the surroundings so that certain things are less apt to happen. Stop a "problem" activity and substitute, temporarily, a more desirable one. Sometimes rules and regulations, as well as physical space, may be too confining.

Use closeness and touching

Move physically closer to the child to curb his or her angry impulse. Young children are often calmed by having an adult nearby.

Express interest in the child’s activities

Children naturally try to involve adults in what they are doing, and the adult is often annoyed at being bothered. Very young children (and children who are emotionally deprived) seem to need much more adult involvement in their interests. A child about to use a toy or tool in a destructive way is sometimes easily stopped by an adult who expresses interest in having it shown to him. An outburst from an older child struggling with a difficult reading selection can be prevented by a caring adult who moves near the child to say, "Show me which words are giving you trouble?"

Be ready to show affection

Sometimes all that is needed for any angry child to regain control is a sudden hug or other impulsive show of affection. Children with serious emotional problems, however, may have trouble accepting affection.

Ease tension through humour

Kidding the child out of a temper tantrum or outburst offers the child an opportunity to "save face." However, it is important to distinguish between face-saving humour and sarcasm.

Appeal directly to the child

Tell him or her how you feel and ask for consideration. For example, a parent or a teacher may gain a child’s cooperation by saying, "I know that noise you’re making doesn’t usually bother me, but today I’ve got a headache, so could you find something else you’d enjoy doing?"

Explain situations

Help the child understand the cause of a stressful situation. We often fail to realise how easily young children can begin to react properly once they understand the cause of their frustration.

Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses

Help them to see that they can reach their goals.

Use promises and rewards

Promises of future pleasure can be used both to start and to stop behaviour. This approach should not be compared with bribery. We must know what the child likes—what brings him pleasure—and we must deliver on our promises.

Say "NO!"

Limits should be clearly explained and enforced. Children should be free to function within those limits.

Tell the child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them. Teach children to put their angry feelings into words, rather than fists.

Build a positive self-image

Encourage children to see themselves as valued and valuable people.

Use punishment cautiously

There is a fine line between punishment that is hostile toward a child and punishment that is educational.

Model appropriate behaviour

Parents and teachers should be aware of the powerful influence of their actions on a child’s behaviour.

Teach children to express themselves verbally

Talking helps a child have control and thus reduces acting out behaviour. Encourage the child to say, for example, "I don’t like your taking my pencil. I don’t feel like sharing just now."

The Role of Discipline

Good discipline includes creating an atmosphere of quiet firmness, clarity, and conscientiousness, while using reasoning. Bad discipline involves punishment which is unduly harsh and inappropriate, and it is often associated with verbal ridicule and attacks on the child’s integrity.

One of the most important goals we strive for as parents is to help children develop respect for themselves and others." While arriving at this goal takes years of patient practice, it is a vital process in which parents, teachers, and all caring adults can play a crucial and exciting role. In order to accomplish this, we must see children as worthy human beings and be sincere in dealing with them.

Positive children

During their growth and development, children go through many stages of self-doubt. They are always comparing themselves to others, and they often see themselves as coming up short. As parents, we can offset this natural tendency in our children by giving them the skills to think more positively. It is important that you really listen to your children, and help them overcome their negative thoughts and beliefs. 

This is, of course, easier to do if you practice positive thinking yourself:

 

• Show your children how to look for the good in everything. Even hard situations probably have some sort of positive message or lesson hidden inside somewhere.
  
  
• Help your children develop their gifts and strengths – everyone has them. Perhaps your child is artistic or has a gift for music. Maybe your child enjoys animals or loves to construct.  As you discover the intrinsic and amazing traits about your children, support them as they develop them. This might include setting goals, taking classes or celebrating efforts.
  
  
• Teach your children that it’s hard work and effort that counts more than the final outcome or the result. If a person puts as much effort as possible into a goal or project, this is the success – it doesn’t matter what the precise result looks like. Hand in hand with this principle, make sure your children know that failure is permissible. No one ever learns or grows without making mistakes.
  
  
• Express feelings when they come up – both positive and negative. Show your children how to talk about negative feelings such as anger, fear and sadness. Give them words to describe these feelings and then make time to listen when children need to talk. Guide children through the process of expressing feelings respectfully, working toward resolution and then moving forward positively. 
  
  
• Provide positive feedback and praise when you see actions that you desire. Praise the action, not the person, for the most effective results, You might say, "I can see how hard you worked on this art project!".
  
  Our world is so full of negative feedback. We need to arm our children with a positive attitude, so that they can stay focused in the right direction. Parents always hope that their children will have a positive outlook on life, but most often how this happens is left to chance. When you take this matter into your hands, and look for ways to guide your children’s thoughts in a positive direction, you will see very exciting results.
  
  

Selfish and spolit child

Can't take no; wants things ASAP; feels entitled to receive special privileges; always wants to be entertained; is unappreciative, never satisfied, selfish, greedy.

 

Your child learns to consider other people's needs and feelings and recognize that who you are is more important than what you own.
 
Question: "I focused so much attention on my son that he sees the world as one big catering service just for him. What can I do so he's less selfish and thinks of someone besides himself? Help!"
Answer: The way to bring selfish kids "back to the civilized world" is to stop indulging their every whim and to show them how to consider other people's needs and feelings. It will take patience, energy, and fortitude, but research shows it's actually what makes children happier and more fulfilled.

Why Change?

Do you have a little princess or prince in your house who feels entitled to luxury and privilege? Does she think only of herself? Does he expect the world to revolve around him? If so, you're not alone. One thing is for sure: selfish kids are no joy to have around. They always want things their way, put their needs and concerns ahead of other people's, and rarely stop to consider others' feelings. And that's because they want you to believe that their feelings are actually more important than the feelings and needs of others.  The truth is, children don't arrive in this world selfish. Research shows that our children are born with the gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those virtues, they will lie dormant. Selfish, spoiled children are found to be less happy and satisfied about life, to have more troubles with relationships, and to have difficulty handling adversity. They are also less popular and more likely to be depressed and anxious. And they argue more with their parents. Without intervention, spoiled children are more likely to become less happy adults. 

Pay Attention to This!

There are two legitimate reasons children may appear to be selfish or spoiled but are not.
Developmental lags. Young children are self-centered because they are egocentric. They will have trouble waiting and do want their needs met ASAP. As they mature, they will be able to think of others. Also, any child diagnosed with attention or impulsivity deficits will have difficulty "waiting." Solution: tailor your expectations to your child's capabilities.
Emotional lags. Children who suffer trauma, who are depressed or overly stressed, or who have low self-esteem will appear selfish. Their emotional pain hinders them from reaching out to others. Children with Asperger's or attachment disorders, will also have trouble reading emotional cues and may seem inconsiderate. Solution: please seek professional help.

Signs and Symptoms

The presence of any one of these kinds of behaviours can mean your child is slipping into the "spoiled" category.

1. "No!" The child can't take no for an answer. He expects to get his way and usually does.
2. "Give me!" The child is more into getting than receiving. He is usually unappreciative and a bit greedy.
3. "Me!" The child thinks more of himself than of others. He expects (and receives) special favours and privileges.
4. "Now!" The child has the ability to wait, but won't. He wants his way ASAP, and it's usually easier to give in than to delay his request. He doesn't stop to consider that others may be inconvenienced as well. 
   
   

The Solution

Step 1. Early Intervention

• Identify the reason Your first step to changing your child's selfish and spoiled ways is to figure out why your kid has this attitude. Once you figure out where his selfish ways are coming from, you'll be in a better place to turn them around. Here are a few of the most common reasons. Check those that may apply to your child or situation:
  • You are spoiling your child out of guilt. (You feel that you are not patient, that you need to make amends for your past mistakes, or that you don't spend enough time with him.)
  • You want your child to have a "better" childhood than your own.
  • You are living in a "competitive" community where what you have matters.
  • You've always treated him as if the world revolved around him.
  • You or another adult member of your family is modeling selfishness.
  • Your kid is jealous of your partner or a sibling, or is craving your love and approval.
  • Your child has never been taught the value of selflessness.
  • Your child has poor emotional intelligence and has difficulty identifying or understanding other people's emotions.
  • Your child has had a past (or present) trauma, illness, preexisting condition, learning disability, or something else that caused pain in his life, and you feel you need to make it up to him with "stuff."
  • Your child is angry, anxious, or depressed or having some other problem that makes it difficult for him to think of others.
  • You don't treat discipline and setting limits as a high priority in your parenting, and your child has learned that he is going to get his way if he keeps at you long enough.
  • You (or other family members) have the money, so your thinking is "Why not raise our child with privilege?"
    
  Once you figure out what is causing your child's selfish, spoiled ways, create one simple solution you can implement to prevent it from escalating further.
  
• Use the right parenting formula. Research shows that the best formula for raising less selfish, more considerate kids has two equal parts: unconditional love and firm limits. Is your parenting evenly balanced between the two parts? Or are you providing too much nurturance and not enough structure? If your present parenting formula isn't balanced, then realign your response so you are more likely to get the right results.
• Model selflessness. The simplest and most powerful way children learn kindness, consideration, and thoughtfulness is by seeing it in action. Make sure you are the model you want your child to copy. And when you do those simple, selfless acts—such as watching your friend's child, phoning a friend who is down, picking up trash, giving directions, asking someone how she is, baking cookies for your family—make sure you convey to your child how much pleasure you get from giving to others. By seeing consideration in your daily words and deeds and hearing you emphasize how being kind and caring makes you feel good, your child will be much more likely to follow your example. The old saying about children learning what they live has a lot of truth to it.
• Nurture empathy. Children who are empathic can understand where other people are coming from because they can put themselves in others' shoes and feel how they feel. And because they can "feel with" someone else, they are more unselfish. So nurture your child's empathy to help him see beyond himself and into the views of others. You might help him imagine how the other person feels about a special situation. "Imagine you're a new student and you're walking into a brand-new school and don't know anyone. How would you feel?" Ask such questions often, because they help kids understand the feelings and needs of other people.
• Boost character. Selfish children see what they have as more important than who they are. Emphasize in your child the things you can't see or buy: perseverance, compassion, honesty, respect, responsibility. And do stress why you value them. Your child will be more likely to adopt those values.
• Don't let your child always be the centre of attention. Receiving constant praise and rewards can make your child think life revolves around him. Praise only when your child earns and deserves the praise. Also teach your child to deal with boredom and enjoy his own company so that he doesn't feel the need to be entertained at all times. 
  
  

Step 2. Rapid Response

Your second step to deprogramming a spoiled child is to change your current response so that your parenting is aligned with proven practices that raise less selfish and more considerate kids.

• Decide to change your ways. Turning around your child's spoiled habits isn't going to be easy or pretty. Expect big-time resistance from your child, and so be it.
  
• Take back control and set limits. How many times do you have to say no to your child before he understands you really mean it? Selfish, spoiled children have learned to get what they desire. And the more often they do, the less likely they will think about others. Decide what issues and things you will not—under any circumstances—give in to (such as spending extra money on a particular video game, staying out late on a weeknight). If you think through your priorities, you'll be more likely not to back down or let your child wear you down. And if you need a little reinforcement, do know that hundreds of child development studies conclude that parents who set clear behaviour expectations and stick to them turn out less selfish children.
  

• Censor selfishness. If you really are serious about changing your child's selfish ways, you must stand firm and be consistent. Start by clearly laying down your new expectations: "In this house you are always to be considerate of others." Then clearly state your disapproval each and every time your child acts selfishly. It won't be easy, especially if your child is accustomed to having his every whim catered to. But a major step in squelching your child's selfishness is simply not to tolerate it.

• Maintain your rights. You should be allowed to talk on the phone without being interrupted. You should be able to sleep in your bed without another warm body curled up beside you. You should be able to say no to your child without feeling guilty. You are the parent. Don't feel as if you always have to put your child up on that pedestal and shove your own needs aside. If you do, you're liable to end up with a spoiled child who feels entitled to get his way.

• Call out selfish deeds. Whenever your child does anything even remotely inconsiderate, always express your objections to the self-centred behaviour. Allowing the selfish action sends a message that you tolerate it. So call it for what it is: "That was selfish" (or inconsiderate or unkind). Then help your child consider the needs of the other person. "How would you feel if that happened to you?" "How do you think your friend felt?" "What can you do next time so you consider your friend's feelings?" That simple reasoning process helps kid become less selfish and more sensitized to the feelings of others.

• Get other caregivers on board. You'll be more successful at changing your child's spoiled ways if you get at least one other person who cares about your child to support your deprogramming plan. You may have to have a serious talk with other caregivers in your child's life (such as grandparents) who are guilty of overindulging or always making this child the centre of attention. 
  
  

Step 3. Develop Habits for Change

The third step to deprogramming selfish, spoiled kids is to stretch them away from assuming the world revolves around them, so that they start thinking about others. Here are simple, proven ways:

• Focus on others. Selfish children put themselves first. So gently start helping your child step to the side and think of others. Also help your child recognize the strengths of others.
• Teach your child to wait. Selfish children want their way NOW. They rarely stop to consider whether you or anyone else is being inconvenienced. You need to stretch your child's waiting quotient so that he doesn't put his own needs in front of others'. If you're on the phone, put up your finger and signal that you'll talk to him in a certain number of minutes. If you're at the mall, tell him you won't stop what you're doing to go to the bank for more cash. He'll have to make the purchase when he remembers to bring his allowance. If he wants to get on the computer, don't let him push his sister's time aside to suit his own convenience. It will take patience and fortitude on your part, but a less selfish attitude will be the outcome.

• Reinforce selfless acts. One of the fastest ways to increase selflessness is by "catching" your child doing considerate and unselfish acts. So look for selfless behaviours in your child and acknowledge them. Describe the deed so that he clearly understands the virtue and point out the impact it had on the recipient. Doing so will also help your child be more likely to repeat the same act another time.
• Require giving back. Require your child to do for others on a regular basis, every day: do his chores; take the dog for a walk; call Grandma every Sunday to see how she's doing. Just plain expect that he think of someone besides himself and contribute to your family. If you don't expect him to give to others, he will feel entitled.
• Help children realize the impact of giving. Posing the right questions to a child after he performs any selfless, considerate act helps a child recognize the impact his behaviour can have on others as well as on himself. So use giving actions to stretch your child from "me" to "we" by posing such questions as these:
  "What did the person do when you were considerate?"
  "How do you think she felt?"
  "How would you feel if you were the person?"
  "How did you feel when you were being kind to her?"
  "How did you feel when you saw her reaction to your gesture?"
  Even better, decide to give back as a family. Find a cause you support and then bring your kids along to experience the miracle of giving. It could be taking extra toys to a children's ward in a hospital, helping at an animal shelter, reading to the elderly. There is no better way to stretch your child than having him experience the joy of giving.
  
  

What To Expect By Stages And Ages

Preschooler Children this age will  need reminders to wait their turn, share their toys, and think about others. Your goal is to stretch them to consider others' needs and feelings.
School Age Competitiveness gears up, which can make children more one sided in their thinking and inconsiderate of their class - or teammates' feelings. Use competitions and team activities as opportunities to help your child be less selfish. Watch for a materialistic need always to be "one up" on another friend.
Tween The need to "fit in" peaks during these ages. Watch out for put-downs, vicious gossip, and verbal bullying (especially among girls). Call your child on any callous actions so that she considers the other girls' feelings.

Play the "Step into My Shoes" Game

Research proves that a great way to stretch your child from always thinking "me-me-me" is to have him actually stand in another person's shoes. You can start with your own shoes or that of an older or younger sibling. Your child literally acts out the situation from the other perspective. "How do I feel? What would I say? What would I want to have happen instead of what did?" The trick is to help your child switch roles so that he starts thinking about others instead of always himself.