Teach your child resilience

As a parent, your first instinct is to protect your children from, well, everything. If I keep them safe, you reason, they’ll be fine. Unfortunately, this may not be the case. In protecting them from everything, you may be stopping them from learning one of life’s most important skills: resilience.

Majority will define resilience as the ability to bungee jump through the pitfalls of life. It sounds simple but the fact is that there’s been a lot of talk among experts of late that this generation of kids is lacking resilience. Why? Children today live in uncertain times along with the rest of us. The world’s more complex and adult worries are pressing their way down on to children. All the more reason to teach our children to rise about the rough stuff. And the good news about resilience is that it can be taught. 

• Where do I start? 

Parents play a substantial role in the development of resilience in their children. The following tips outline the most effective things you can do to raise resilient children.

• Responsibility 

Parents need to take more responsibility: it’s your responsibility as a parent to teach your child life skills! You can’t hand that over to someone else. If you want your child to be polite, it’s your job to teach them. One such skill is developing a sense of humour – can they laugh at themselves? Do they feel free to tell you when they’ve made a mistake? Mistakes are a sign of learning. Teach them that and how to laugh about it later. 

• Independent Thinking 

Sense of belonging is critical for resilience - as a general rule of thumb, it’s good for parents to say that they’re not going to do things for the child that the child can do for him or herself. If they come home from school and are having a problem with friends, ask them what they could do to change the relationship. Guide them – don’t try to solve it! 

• Listen with your heart 

Listening is one of the most important ways that we can build resilience. Rather than operating on ‘auto-parent’ we will help our children know they are important by giving them our undivided attention. Children feel validated and worthy when we listen to them. While children are upset, sensitive listening provides emotional first aid. Listening with your heart allows you to be empathic, take your child’s perspective, or see the world through his or her eyes. 

• See the world through your child’s eyes 

Imagine you had a difficult day. It wasn’t a catastrophic day, but some of your plans failed to materialise into reality. When you explained things to your spouse the response you received was, “Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to try harder again tomorrow.” While this response may be correct, it is unlikely to help you feel any better. Likewise, giving advice when children are upset just makes them feel frustrated, or foolish. When they tell you they feel sad, saying “Cheer up, you’ll be ok. There’s no reason to feel like that” will undermine their feelings, make them question their worth. Instead, reflect their emotions and avoid advice or lectures. “I can see it’s been a tough day for you today.” “Wow, that must have made you feel really disappointed.” When they know you understand them, ask them how they think you can help. Let them strategise the most effective way to overcome their challenges and support them in their decisions or guide them toward appropriate actions. 

• Accept your children for who they are 

Your child is likely to be resilient if she feels accepted for who she is. To really accept our children for who they are we must resist the temptation to judge and criticise. Continual fault-finding is a sure-fire way to create questions about self-worth in children. Additionally, children who are consistently criticised will start to wonder about their relevance. In contrast, children whose parents affirm their children’s efforts feel useful. When children are validated they feel worthy and acceptable as people. Letting children know specifically what you love about them or why you are proud of them can bolster resilience. “I am so proud to be your mum. The way you treated the children outside the school this afternoon made me feel like the luckiest mum in the world!” Remember, be specific. And avoid general praise such as “You’re such a good boy.” But when we let our children know we accept and love them, and offer them specifics, they feel like they can conquer anything! Our children don’t need to ‘fixed’ as much as they need to be loved. 

• Develop strengths 

One of the best things for promoting resilience is a belief that we are competent and able to complete difficult challenges. Parents who identify their children's strengths and help them develop those strengths will see their children become increasingly competent. Their children will experience success. They will be inspired and confident. They will gain a sense that they have something to offer the world. Your child may possess strengths in relationships, academics, music, sport, creativity, or any number of other areas. By developing those strengths, competence, and confidence will build resilience in your child.

• Teach that mistakes are an opportunity to learn

When you make a mistake, what do you do? Are you likely to throw your hands in the air and say it’s too hard? Do you give up and go back to what you know you can do? Or do you see the mistake as a chance to learn something new, and try again? When your children make a mistake, what do they do? And perhaps more importantly, what do you say to them? By teaching our children that continued effort, practice, and learning are the keys to success, setbacks are no longer seen as frightening, and children become more resilient – willing to take risks and try new things. They are also more likely to look forward to possibilities in the future and have a more optimistic and curious nature. This mindset is strongly linked to resilience. 

• Teach your children to make their own decisions

When our children struggle, we often want to tell them what to do to fix things. Constantly making decisions for our children can undermine their decision making skills and confidence. When you child is faced with a problem, listen with your heart. Then see the world through his eyes. When he feels understood, ask the question: “What do YOU think we should do?” Let your child know that you are willing to help and support. Then invite him or her to make a decision, and be supportive. If a decision is poor, offer gentle guidance or ask, “I wonder what might happen if we did that.” As your child thinks through the various possibilities, he will gain confidence in making his own decisions following challenging situations.

Children who are resilient do better than children who are not resilient. Their parents use the skills outlined above to foster resilience, and as a result resilient children:

• feel special and appreciated
• learn to set realistic goals
• have appropriate expectations of themselves
• and others believe they can solve problems and make good decisions
• see weaknesses as a chance to learn and do things better
• recognise, develop, and enjoy their strengths and talents
• believe they are competent are comfortable with others
• have good interpersonal skills
• and most of all, resilient children bounce back!